--by Andrew Nevill
Friday
The fun, for certain values of fun started before the Convention. I wanted to wear my Mort Maskerade costume from 2 years ago as a hall costume. A friend had lent the short red wig, I used, so I’d asked them at the beginning of August to lend it me again. Unfortunately, they let me down. I called into a proper wig shop on the way to the rail station but they had nothing suitable in stock. So, I went to the fancy dress shop in the Andale and bought a neon orange fancy dress wig that would be acceptable. Any port in a storm as they say.
Arrived about 3pm and even as I walked through the corridors to reception, I was seeing familiar faces and being met with warm greetings. I was sharing again with Vince and the booking was in his name so I’d been worried that the hotel would have no record of me. But they were unfounded as I got checked into my room straight away
Dropped off my bags, went to register and mingled for a spell, saying hello to old friends. It was wonderful. It felt almost like coming home.
Then I attended my first event, An Audience with Stephen Briggs. He was feeling kinda pleased as he had a sword that had been used on The Princess Bride. It wasn’t quite Inigo Montoya’s sword as Terry said later, but Cary Elwes had practiced with it – which made it pretty darn close.
Around 7pm, I met up with Brian (sabremeister) and Roy (gemini) for dinner. We all wanted the chicken and it had run out and so we waited for around 20 minutes for new supplies. By this time it was getting perilously close to the opening ceremony and I found myself unable to just relax and enjoy my food – which although tasty was not I considered, worth waiting 20 minutes and paying over £10 for.
I was maybe precipitous in this judgement and perhaps things did get better over the weekend but I decided at that point I would be eating out.
And then it was the Opening Ceremony. Terry one-upped Stephen entering with Death’s sword, announcing that although Briggs had Inigio Montoya’s sword, he had this one. To a heartfelt cheer, he announced the PCA wasn’t any worse and that the writing was going well, his dictation software so good that he could dictate 20,000 words easily - oh, and it understood Nac Mac Feegle!
I hadn’t bought a costume for the Bedtime Stories, but as part of the Executive room upgrade, the hotel had provided a bathrobe and slippers. These were pressed into service and I went down, clutching Speedbump (a plush hedgehog) to the Bedtime Stories.
Rob entered and was about to read I Shall Midnight when Terry interrupted saying he couldn’t do the Feegle voices so Rob pulled out a folder containing the draft of Snuff and to applause, started reading that instead.
I must admit that I left Bedtime Stories before it finished. As it tends to, it overran and I wanted very much to attend Once More With Feeling. Under the bathrobe were a red shirt, black T-shirt and black jeans. My leather duster and Doc Martens were in my bag. Yes, Spike had places to be, and so I excused myself.
OMWF was great fun. The episode was screened in the Odium with the subtitles and everyone was singing along.
And then I retired to the bar. I tried to buy Brian Nesbit, the Chairman a drink but was told by the bar staff they’d run out of Hobgoblin. On relating this news, Hotel Liaison went and had Words with the bar staff as Arrangements had been made so This Would Not Happen. I stood by, feeling Slightly Evil and Pleased With Myself for having Gotten People Into Trouble.
I then started chatting with Heather (burntcopper)and Taz. The conversation took several interesting turns that resulted in me Getting Myself Into Trouble – but, given the company I was in, that wasn’t necessarily a Bad Thing.
At 3am, I went to bed.
Saturday
I don’t sleep well in hotel beds. The only beds I really sleep well in are my own and the one in my parents’ spare room. So, despite the late night (or is that early morning), it was an involuntary early start at 7am.
I woke feeling Less Than Human and with a Massive Headache. A shower and hearty breakfast helped with the Humanity but nothing was going to help the headache.
Retail therapy happened as I decided to lighten the heavy wallet I was carrying. I adopted a dragon, courtesy of the Cunning Artificer (I’m wondering if I really need to fill in and send in the certificate) and bought a Convention T-shirt plus a mini Anthill inside T-shirt for Speedbump.
Then if it was off to Ian Stewart’s talk on the Deterministic Monkey Theorem. It’s hard to take in maths and science when your head is pounding but I managed to understand a good portion of an entertaining talk. .
Following this was Elves: Nasty or Nice. Jacqueline Simpson regaled us with wonderful stories from folklore all around Europe in which the Elves were by turns Nasty and Nice. Unfortunately, the Queen of the Elves did not like what she was hearing and threatened Jacqueline. However, Dr Simpson rallied magnificently brandishing an iron poker that put Her Majesty to flight.
Deciding to take advantage of one of the Executive upgrade perks, I went up to the executive lounge for a coffee and a snack before going to see a round of Unseen University Challenge.
Following this, it was time for The Man in the Hat, otherwise known as the guest of honour interview. Things became very interesting when Stephen Baxter came onstage and we were treated to a live brainstorming session as the two threw ideas and discussed the Long Earth project as we watched. It was a fascinating insight into how the authorial mind thinks and how books get written.
By now, I was really tired and the headache was still throbbing away. There was nothing for it but to scrounge a Nurofen and go and get some kip. And I must admit that on waking 90 minutes later to go out for dinner, I felt a whole world better.
And so to the Maskerade. It was hosted by Pat Harkin. For some reason, last time around people started quacking at him. As anyone who’s been to a convention knows, if something is done once it’s a tradition and so we carried on the traditional quacking. (I was in the Maskerade last time so don’t know the Origin of this custom. I’d be grateful to anyone who could elucidate). The standard was very high, a sit always is but I felt this year was particularly good. Special mentions from me go to Brian Dale as Lord Vetinari Retiring (winner of the Master class) and ssirienna who won the whole thing with her traditionally built opera singer performing the Departure aria
The Hedgehog Party was as usual brilliant fun. Lots of dancing, unusual sweets to sample and a very nice after-eight flavoured vodka. Oh, and Gideon (gmh) wore Silver Trousers of Doom. We will not talk of them.
Sunday
The first half of the day had, as Sundays should, a religious theme.
It began with the, as ever, extremely spiritual and uplifting Church of Om Service with Brother Mole and Reverend Fanthorpe officiating – and with my friend Bev as Mrs Grubb providing distractions. During the Periwinkle and Butcher had their marriage blessed to much applause.
Then it was, for me an event that I think I may look forward to more than any other - Create Your Own Religion. Once again Brian Nesbit, employed his cat-herding skills and together we founded the world’s next Great Religion (maybe). This time around, we decided to venerate clichés.
Another item I’ve always looked forward to but unlike CYOM, always seemed to miss was How to Buckle a Swash. It was pleased to be able to set that oversight right and found out that I’ve been missing an excellent, entertaining and informative event. Over the course of (just slightly more than) a hour Orjan together with his glamorous assistants (and Heather (burntcopper) [Sorry! Couldn’t resist] demonstrated how Hollywood got swordfighting completely wrong. (For the record glmaourous assistant credit goes to marco_villalta and gmh)
In between these events I managed to grab my trucks and hit the pool with Tal (tinkerbell1980 ) and after Buckle a Swash, several friends and I repaired to the Executive lounge for a nice cup of coffee. Sometimes, just taking time out with friends is the nicest event you can attend.
After some relaxing down time followed by dinner, I put on the Mort costume and went down for the Coronation of the Low King, the precursor to the Gala dinner. I was worried that I was actually a bit overdressed as I didn’t attend the dinner this year but it seemed everyone, dinner attendee or not, was in their finery so I was in good company. As usual, some of the costumes and ballgowns on display were breathtaking and there was a definite Steampunk vibe in the air.
To much cheering Jennifer Delaney (clanwilliam )was crowned Low King. She probably got in through her election pledge to given everyone the answers to the 2012 pre-con pub quiz. Now the hoopla has died down, it can be safely pointed that she a) didn’t promise to give the correct answers, and b) that she always gives the answers in any case – at the end of the quiz. However, she thoroughly deserved to win for Jen is without doubt the lowest person I know.
The Rat race entertainer was excellent with all manner of activities. I took part an even won a game of Nugganite Twister (Abominations instead of coloured spots). I spent the evening drifting back and forth between it and the Scone and Jam .
Monday
First event on the agenda was The Science of Discworld, a wonderfully entertaining talk by Jack Stewart and Ian Cohen on just how the science of Discworld books came about.
I then drifted into the Dealer’s room and had a lovely chat with MEG (djelibeybi_meg ), and relieved her of a Graham Higgins print.
On my way to have lunch, I encountered a crowd of people filing into the Odium for a viewing of Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog. This had been suggested the screening of Once More With Feeling and happily David (medium_jock ) had his DVD with him. If you show it, they will come. And indeed sing along.
Following a pleasant (slightly postponed) lunch by the lake, I the drifted up to see the Seamstresses attempt to set the World Record for number of people fitted under a crinoline skirt. This was highly diverting. I myself was disqualified as my bum was sticking out
Unfortunately, I had to leave before proceedings ended, as I needed to don my costume in which to attend the Rocky Horror Discworld Show. The effect of the costume was all I could have hoped. My dark soul revelled as the mere sight of my ensemble Broke People. I received numerous double takes and several tortured souls, including the indomitable Heather (burntcopper), were heard to exclaim ‘Oh My God!’ (There are photos but such is their potential to Warp Fragile Minds that they are not posted online and are available on request only)
The RHDS itself was wonderful a production on a scale I don’t think has been before at a Convention. No-one who saw Vetinari portrayed, as Frank’n’Furter will ever quite forget it.
Shortly after, it was time for the Closing Ceremony. The Seamstresses Guild won and were quite pleased about this. Brian Nesbit, stated that he believed there were things he could do that would make the Convention even better and so he was going to stay on as Chairman in order to try. Foolish Mortal!
And then it was time to go home. Hugs were exchanged, emotional goodbyes were said.
Another wonderful convention. Perhaps the best yet. Thank you to all my friends who were there to share it with me and helped make it as enjoyable as it was. We’ll do it all again in two years.
