Triumph - Ssrienna's Story Part 3

by Jan Uzzell (Ssrienna)

Saturday

This was crunch day! I’d spent most of the last 2 years planning a Maskerade entry, having enjoyed watching the 2006 and 2008 shows. I’d not felt confident enough to try a main character so was looking for a minor one or even a pen picture and, as I love music, I thought I’d try the musically themed ones first.

That’s when I re-read Maskerade and had the eureka moment on reading the Departure Aria description again. It’s always made me smile – the 17 stone lady pretending to be the 17-year-old consumptive in those sorts of opera and I was more than qualified to do that!! The bits of information about Dame Violetta Gigli in the book say that she originally sang the aria (well enough to inspire Dr Undershaft into a career of music) and that she once squashed a tenor.

I asked my music teacher to write me a piece of music suitable for the 6 lines we get in the book, having explained the background first and he produced a wonderfully bittersweet track, Lottie very kindly made me the hooped underskirt and another friend made the overskirt and shawl. I then wrote out the subtitles and created my 2D tenor to attach to the back of me! That’s when 1 month before the Con, I realised I needed someone to turn the cards, and my good friend Min volunteered. We did wonder about making her a dwarf, in honour of the Low King, but ended up with Walter Plinge, as it was more in keeping with the story.

So Saturday was spent being nice to the lovely people in the Maskerade Tech rehearsal – many thanks to Pam and Miss Treason, not to mention Shadow Dave and the wonderful people in the Green Room.

I did manage to do other things too! I caught (by accident) The Deterministic Monkey Theorem by Ian Stewart (having got the room wrong and thought I was in CSI: Ankh-Morpork) but it was fascinating and I’m glad I made the mistake! I was also then in the right place for Jaqueline Simpson’s spellbinding talk on “Elves: Nasty or Nice?” which was spiced up by the attendance of Periwinkle in her Queen of the Elves persona.

She “froze” Jaqueline and said she would be sat amongst us to listen to this mortal’s speech and that there would be retribution if she didn’t like what she heard! Jaqueline then “awoke” and apologised for being dizzy. It was a wonderful talk but, of course, towards the end she mentioned something that Her Elvish Majesty took exception to. However, Jaqueline was ready with a steel poker, having talked to Susan Sto-Helit! Most enjoyable!

I managed to catch “The Man in the Hat” interview with Terry which was lovely and even got into Sator Square, where the lovely people relieved me of some of the bothersome cash I had on me (thanks Gemma for that lovely image – pinched from her Con report!) Then it was show time!

Lottie very kindly helped me dress – laced me into corset, hoops and lastly the huge skirt. Then with other props in hand, we made our way downstairs. I had wanted OTT opera and by the Gods, I think I achieved it! In fact, on the way to the Green Room, several lovely people stopped me for photos and even gave me some hall tokens!!

Once in the Green Room the nerves started, but there were so many other lovely costumes and people in there that I soon got too interested nattering to others to worry. The only annoyance was, with Herr Kartoffelpuffer on my skirt, I couldn’t sit down and the hoops were so temperamental, I couldn’t use the crutch – sigh! We checked where our duo act was so Min could check how much time she had to change. She was helping me but also had her own routine as Lady Margolotta at a Temperance meeting (a la Joyce Grenfell Nursery School sketch – wonderful ;)

Soon we were on! I hobbled slowly to the back of the stage and was wired for sound! We couldn’t see “Davina” and the warm up sketch but it sounded fun! Then the 2 mins per contestant was whizzing through and we were on! I could hear Pat doing his usual superlative MC bit and suddenly he was reading out my speech:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the management of this year's Maskerade are proud to announce a moment of culture from Ankh-Morpork.

We present part of the Departure Aria between the tragic lovers Iodine and Peccadillo, as sung by Dame Violetta Gigli (Ankh-Morpork) and Herr Flach wie ein Kartoffelpuffer (Uberwald)”

Min made her way across the stage as Walter, clutching a broom and the cards, to a ripple of recognition and applause. Then it was me! Shadow Dave had kindly agreed to be the other half of the off stage argument (and he did a wonderful job):

SM: That's your cue, Diva!

Me: But where's Herr Kartoffelpuffer, this is supposed to be a duet!

SM: We don't know! Just start and we'll send him on when we find him.
The show must go on!

Me: Very well!

On stage I went (slowly) to another ripple (I think for the costume ;), made it to centre stage and cued the tech tower with “Maestro!” The music started and I remember singing – I think I got to the end (it’s a bit of a blur) but I do know that Min was doing a wonderful job of turning the cards as the level of laughter was growing steadily (I can remember thinking “Yes! They get the joke!How wonderful!).

I got to the end note, held it, let it dramatically waiver and then turned to look for my tenor, then (as planned) both Min and I look at each other, shrug, I curtsey as best I can and turn to go. Now, Pam had already suggested to get the best view of the tenor, that I move as close to front of stage as I can before making the turn. This I do and the roar that greets me, as I turn round was most gratifying. More thoughts of “Yes!” internally and I then staggered off (the wrong side – apologies again Miss Treason)

Shaking like a leaf, I then hobble through to the Green Room, where I’m finally able to sit, and watch the rest of the show. There are SO many wonderful acts – we had a wonderful time, except when the sound went! We then come through to watch the Low King nominees being interviewed by Pat, while the judges (Brian, Terry, Bernard and Jaqueline) go off for their holy huddle.

Suddenly they’re back! All is attention as Brian reads out the judges’ decisions. There’s a special award for Poohcarrot as Lao Tzu for best surprise (he went “Boo!” before even starting the sketch!), a special junior winner Brighid Hurtubise as Concussia, Best Rookies were a couple of new con members Norbert Servant of Nuggan and Kevin an acolyte (they were great – I actually caught their at in the Green Room), Best Novice one of the Anguas, Best Journeyman was Brian (Bri Tze) as the Patrician (wonderful) and Best Master was Richard as Sir Joshua Lavish with, as Pat put it, the first ever pitch invasion of a Maskerade (30 seamstresses!).

So I’m stood at the back thinking that was great, then Brian does the build-up to Best in Show (and the silver trophy). Apparently, there’s usually an argument at this point with everyone trying to put his or her favourite forward. I’m thinking, it must be the Norwegians cos their sketch was brilliant! When Brian reads out “The Departure Aria”!!

Evidently the sharp intake of breath I took got Davina (who was nearby) wondering how I’d managed it (very tightly laced!) and also where’s the camera cos the photo if she keels over would be unbelievable! I’m swamped with lots of wonderful people all congratulating me, while I’m still trying to believe what’s been read out! But I manage to join Terry and Brian on stage, where I get a kiss from Terry (woo hoo!) and then the trophy itself!

I then ask what now and am told I have to do it again!! Which means people racing for props and Lottie having to re-pin the tenor to his previous position! As I have to back up to the curtains, I come out with “I’m sorry dear hearts, I don’t have reversing music” at which the entire auditorium goes “beep, beep, beep”! Priceless! I then improvise a bit more and we launch, finally, into “Questa maledetta” again. And everyone sings along! It was quite magical.

I have vague memories of LOTS of photos being taken, of my arms getting longer holding the trophy, of being interviewed by a lovely lady from the Chronicle (Nitta), of champagne (well a glass at least), of more singing and watching people at the Hedgehog party and finally bed at 0200 (ish).

Day 2

by Darrock, Guild of Seamstresses

The guild still has no idea of the depth of my deceit. It would seem that they are being hired by Sir Joshua for some kind of “display”. Judging from the conversations whispered on the street corners, there is nothing that the Seamstresses will not do for Sir Joshua, though I have no idea quite what they mean by that.

As far as I can tell, the Seamstresses do not have enough work to do. They spend much of their time away from their houses, looking for commissions. Since there are a large number of Seamstresses, I can only assume that the commissions they take are worth considerably more money than I can warrant. The seamstresses seem to follow a similar sleeping pattern to your average UU student, sleeping through to early afternoon and staying up very late, and indeed sometimes into the early hours.

I have been asked to join in with the events around Sir Joshua. No-one seems to be able to tell me what to do. There appears to be some singing and standing around and more than anything it reminds me of a night down the Mended Drum. We will see what happens later.

And now it really starts, and The Hunter

by Gary Webber, The Hunter

And so, now it really start

There is a moment. A define-able, pinpointable moment in any Discworld con, when the day goes from a collection of friends having a drink to a convention. For me it is usually when the first guitar is produced, the first chord struck, the first quavering voices raised in ribald song. It is usually co-incidental with the point at which the proportion of costume to casual dress tips in favour of the costume. Therefore I am now technically at the convention since about 3pm yesterday!

However, there is a dark side to conventions. A negativity. Not, you understand, in the way it is run. Nor in the attendees, who are to a member brilliant, Nor in any way shape or form is the organisation anything less than remarkable. A 900 piece chess set, a 3 dimensional game, wherein the idea is not checkmate, but check-out. In fact, everything is positive except the nomenclature.

Consider. I am staying at home and commuting to the event daily. As a result at 8am I am con-descending. Other people stay in the hotel for the whole time, in the wonderful selection of rooms, which is definitively in-con-venient. However, a Landrover camper lurks outside and the users are of course con-tent. The whole thing is a conspiracy!

At the end of the day (or early the next morning, to be honest) I head home. I am, at that time, un-conventional. But at the end of the weekend the whole of the group will depart for their own homes across the planet, hearts heavy at the loss, the finality. They are to a member Miss-con-strewed. And you're reading this with an air of cynicism. Un-convinced?

Gaz Hunter

Just a Minute (An InterGuild Extravaganza hosted by the Conjurors et al)

Earlier today, an appreciative and knowledgeable audience were treated
to a fast and furiously contested game of Just a Minute. The Host
(Torak) welcomed representatives from 5 Guilds (Small Gods, Wandering
Teachers, Witches, Seamstresses and Conjurors).

The topics ranged from "The Relevance of Bees", through "More Tea,
Vicar" to "Smiting" and of course "How to find a Man in a Hat". A
substitution of Witch for Seamstress was allowed after it was revealed
Periwinkle was required elsewhere (muttering something about "stuffing
sausages") and the Small Gods reincarnated a total of 3 times!

After a wonderfully fought battle the Conjurors emerged victorious,
although best counter challange must go to Marlies (one of the Witch
Deputies) who when challenged in her part of "More Tea, Vicar" that
they may prefer coffee and become annoyed to be offered tea, remarked
"A Vicar would never be so impolite to refuse such a gesture!"

Final scores:

Conjurors - 26 (260) points
Wandering Teachers - 24 (240) points
Small Gods - 13 (130) points
Witches - 05 (100) points
Seamstresses - 02 ( 40) points

It was felt that as both the Seamstresses and Witches didn't have the
same amount of time, their scores were doubled. All points go to the
respective Guilds.

A further game of Just A Minute (post watershed!) will occur in the
bar tonight.

Walk the Walk

For those who have not seen this before, the rules are as follows :

Each team has two people, a walker and a guide. The walker is
encumbered with a blindfold, oversize hat, shin pad and oversize
'hands'. The guide can only use sound to guide the walker while they
negotiate obstacles between a table of parcels and the post box.

15 teams took part. 2 from the Asssasins, 2 from the Alchemists, 3
from the Seamstresses, 2 from Small Gods, 1 from the Conjurors, 1 from
UU, 1 from the Witches and one team with no guild affiliation. There
were 2 combined teams. 1 from UU and the Conjurors and 1 from the
Teachers and Conjurors.

The time limit for each round was 2 minutes and a very close game
ensued with most teams achieving 2 parcels. There were several
incidents where the guide misjudged things and became trapped between
the walker and the wall to the great enjoyment of the audience.

The final winners were the Assassins team of Hamish and Fayd who moved
all 4 parcels and got back to the table within the 2 minute time
limit. Must be something to do with being used to working in the dark!

Special mention must be made of Kai who, despite being the youngest
walker, managed 2 parcels.

Thanks to everyone for making the first event I have run so enjoyable
and special thanks to Loriba who so ably assisted me.

Martyn Clapham

Life is a Maskerade

Being new to the convention, we had no idea what to expect from the Maskerade except for having delighted in seeing fellow attendees walking around in costume for much of the time since we had arrived. This was evidence enough that we were in for a treat, and the show did not let us down.

The event was compered by the incomparable Pat Harkin, a clever funny man who arrived script-less to ad lib through the evening to a chorus of duck noises from the audience and pantomime-reminiscent boos and hisses as he regaled us with tales of the green-light red-light scenario he was faced with from "Ops". Our guide was even awarded a commendation from the judges himself when half way through the performance, feeling time was going at a strange rate (as it unfortunately dragged between acts) he arrived at the podium as a far younger version of himself to rapturous applause.

The acts themselves were a surprising mix of family preparations, solo pieces worked carefully since the previous convention, complete with soundtrack and costume, and pieces pieced together on the spot by people who hadn't previously met. The judges' favourite was a piece adapted from the stage musical "Wicked" to fit the Discworld perfectly, but we were also treated to an exploding dragon, singing dwarfs, Otto the vampire-iconographer, Greebo the transforming cat, Ptraci the handmaiden as she belly-danced on stage. We watched in awe as Poi from the Land of Fog, and products from the Land of Avon were demonstrated to us. We wept with joy, cheered with adoration and laughed (mostly) on cue as the characters from the minds of Terry Pratchett were brought to life for us by the fans of Terry Pratchett.

After much deliberation, and a little more deliberation, and just to make sure, a final deliberation, keeping us waiting as long as a very large ball of string, we finally cheered in agreement with the judge's awards and made a hasty exit to the bar.

This was truly a delightful selection of the favourite characters of all the audience, and great fun was had by them as by us, with, I am sure, the seed for plenty ideas ready for the next convention.

Sarah Ganderton

Maskerade Review and Results

As ever, this was unique and memorable. Compere for the 1st time was Dr Pat Harkin, whose performance could become legendary as he complained that his red-green colour blindness would prevent him cueing the performers, battled with outbreaks of quacking and meowing, and even brought on a look-alike to see if we would notice.

The judges awarded Best in four categories plus extra prizes in their choice of category. Among the performers who did not win awards I was especially pleased by: the Duke of Sto Helit reading Susan's School report (she has no fear of the skeleton); the Dwarf singing The House of Rosie Palm; Perdita X singing with the Ghost; and the poem about the Convention read by William McGonnagle, to the backing of bagpipes.

Terry brought in the verdict of the judges, who were Stephen Briggs, Bernard Pearson, Bruce Richardson and Jackie Simpson.

Best Master: Brian Wakeling as Nigel the Destroyer (excellent monologue I thought).
Best Journeyman: Jacqui Lawrence as Magrat putting on her armour.
Best Novice: David Kennedy as Definitely Not a Nac MacFeegle
Best Rookie: Jan Ward in "Oops", portraying a dragon waking up, feeding & belching.

Special Awards:

From Stephen Briggs - Jennie Austin as Ptraci the bellydancer
From Bernard and Bruce - Hurtubise Family as Lancre Royal Family Portrait
From Terry and Jackie - The Assassins Sword Dance

Best in Show, by unanimous decision, was Beth Delaney whose sketch was entitled "Defying Gravity" and who portrayed a witch about to fly on her broomstick. She sang a self-composed song based on the musical "Wicked".

Jesca Yates

Photo: Ingo Korb

Staying Up Late at the Discworld Convention

I was assured at the bar when ordering my umpteenth pint of scrumpy that it is tradition for a representative few to still be in the bar when the sun comes up the next morning.

Well, not being one to shrink in the face of a challenge, I joined the general hubbub of Discworld regulars and novices alike, as a sing-along began. The best (and of course the worst) of British folk, British and American pop and rock classics, Disney originals, blues, jazz and songs from the musicals, were aired and destroyed, until in the wee small hours of what was no longer Saturday night but had become Sunday morning we even resorted to opera.

Everyone joined in: young and old, the tuneful and the not so; vampires, seamstresses, witches; writer and readers alike. Then as each musician abandoned us to their dreams, the music or instruments changed until there was no instrument at all, the didgeridoo was removed by security, and there were only a small selection of musical books for inspiration.

But by then we had already sung all we could reasonably recall, and had sung or drunk away most of the tunefulness of our voices, so the evening turned to bad jokes badly told. And as the
jokes became steadily worse the sun came up and the tradition was fulfilled.

I can happily report that there were definitely people still awake from the night before when the morning after breakfast goers were arriving downstairs. In the spirit of accurate reporting, I was there to make sure of it. I was of course absent from much of the next day's scheduled events as a result but the convention is not all about the events - as wonderful as they are. We have to remember, as well, that we are part of an important community, and that this convention is an opportunity to meet not only the writer we all know and love, but also his other disciples from places far and wide, from all walks of life, and to experience the new friendship opportunities all around us.

Here's to the Discworld convention, and all who sail in her.

Sarah Ganderton

Disc Is Your World

In the format of a well-known television show, Terry arrived on stage to be surprised with friends and colleagues as his guests to tell us a little more about the man we all adore.

But as Bruce tried to conduct proceedings, he just couldn't stop Terry Pratchett talking long enough for his guests to tell tales about him. This was perhaps purposefully done by the man distrusting of his friends, but was certainly interesting as Terry regaled us with anecdote upon tale upon yarn about people who have written to him asking for favours and failed to write back to thank him for them.

Those guests we "met" were the lucky few fans who have since become integral to his work, Rob his PA, Colin his agent, Bernard who produces the Discworld figurines, Stephen who brings alive the Discworld on stage, as well as on maps, and Ian and Jack, his mad scientists, who delight in delving into fiction as he delights in delving into their science, as they provide the facts and figures that hold the Discworld together.

It was a delightful evening, essential viewing for any new fans who haven't had the opportunity to meet the rest of the team previously, and who will now recognise the important people throughout the convention, we were treated to so many stories from the man himself, and when they could get a word in, the guests who had joined him on stage, and the event was all thoroughly entertaining.

Sarah Ganderton

Photo: Robert "Otto" Flach

Thud!

A book based on a game based on a war, based on a book, based on a game. Which ever came first, Thud the game is a playable board game available now in the dealers hall) and a lively spectators sport. The game is a re-enactment of the war in Koom Valley between the Trolls and the Dwarfs, with contentious issues in legend on either side about what actually happened and who might have won, if either side ever truly "wins" a war.

On this occasion, the game was played out on a life-sized board with actual people as the dwarfs and trolls, though obviously they weren't actual trolls and dwarfs, because that would have just led to too much bloodshed for the hotel staff to cope with.

The board is set up with 8 trolls in the centre, with 32 dwarfs around the outside of the board. Each race has a different method of movement around the board and different rules about what or who or how many of the opposite team they can "kill" at one time, and the strategic game is played a little like Roundworld's chess, but on a differently shaped board.

A battle of wits ensued, as the two people who seemed to know all the rules shouted out instructions to team members about who should move where and "kill" whom, and a cheer erupted from the appropriate team all around the board as the opposition was decimated.

The game is traditionally played twice, with the players swapping pieces for the second game, and on this occasion the final result was one-all.

Sarah Ganderton

Chaos Costuming

The room really was in chaos: piles of assorted fabric strewn across the floor, helpful assistants struck dumb by the chewiest toffee in the world, and a "seamstress" with tales of recent "massages" in various positions.

A delightful interlude from the convention between scheduled events, though part of the convention in as much as the Chaos room is next to Ops, I wandered in on the off chance thatsomeone could help me make a witch's hat. Someone did offer me help, and point me in the right general direction but I was soon left to my own devices amongst the pile of oddments.

I negotiated the last remaining still operating sewing machine (though I almost broke it in my haste, and got glue all over everything whilst laughing at the sudden swarm of "Maskeraders" and theatrical extras in dire need of costumes for various projects, as they quipped and quoted and parodied each other, either in or out of character, it was hard to tell but highly amusing.

The whole experience was a wonderfully theatrical chaotic industrious place full of fabric and fables and glue.

Sarah Ganderton

Guilty of Literature

This was a well-attended panel discussion under the title of the collection of essays originally published by the Science Fiction Foundation.

US Academic Stacie Hanes stated that criticism should not be negative but illuminate reality. She spoke about how Victorian attitudes to women are reflected in the witches' attitudes to decency, especially underwear. Seamstresses were also common, as shown in census records. Laundrywork often involved unpicking garments and sewing them up again when washed.

Next came Carolin Esser of the University of Winchester, a medievalist who has studied "The Devil from the Bible to Terry Pratchett". After a discussion of concepts of evil, concentrating of 'Eric' and 'Good Omens', Jacqueline Simpson took over to discuss literary merit.

She pointed out that Terry's multiple narrative style goes back to the medieval interlace technique, and was also employed by Dickens and TV soap operas of today. Terry is especially good at the rhetoric of anticlimax, or bathos and writes in lyrical style to celebrate the beauty of the Chalk Downs.

Colin Smythe wound up the discussion by saying that academics have come to Terry late and are trying too hard if their criticism doesn't communicate the fun of reading his books.

Jesca Yates

Assassination and obituary package page....

The Guild of Assassins wish to announce the completion of the contract against Constable Peter Haddock.

The contract terms were as follows: Constable Peter Haddock to be eliminated in order to preserve the alcohol supplies for the rest of the convention members; fee for said assassination to be AM$2 and a fair-share of rescued beverages.

The assassination took place at 12.29pm on Saturday 23rd August outside Harga's House of Ribs and Biers. Mad Hamish was chosen to carry out this contract on behalf of Lord Downey. The demise of Constable Haddock was slow and painful as the poisonous scarab beetle planted by Mad Hamish ate its way through his brain (the finding of which consumed the most time, these things don't come with a SatNav).

Now all people of the Dysk can relax and enjoy the now more copious availability of whiskeys and beers.

Pp Lord Downey

The Truth - Discworld Broadcasting Company Play for Today

Six actors and a sound effects person stood behind their microphones in traditional radio manner. They then performed for us, the second part of The Truth. ( The first part had overrun slightly and so Part 2 was re-scheduled for Sunday. )

Characters such as Otto, Mr Pins and Mr Tulip came to life thanks to a great cast, led by Ptim Williams as William de Worde. We heard and saw William unmasking his father, facing down Commander Vimes and then holding the final subtle conversation with Lord Vetinari and Sacharissa.

The cast included:

Tony Perkins
Elain Mein
Jacqui Lawrence
John Hicks (Lord Vetinari)
Pam Hicks
Rchard Atha-Nichols
A. Rouch

Jesca Yates

I'm Bela Lugosi

Well, it turns out I was already dead, as that was the murder mystery the Assassins set up - who killed the Abbot of Cool? Fortunately, since dying at the start of the Con would be Uncool, I quickly reincarnated. There are some benefits to being the Ultimate Funkster, after all.

Today, though, I shed my cool robes and donned a chainmail shirt, to introduce The Reduced Battle Company, who presented Viking Age England: 300 years of Conflict (with tea breaks).

If you missed it, you missed murder, mayhem, mutilation, pillage, plunder and ravishing of women. Great family entertainment, in other words. I think the most popular part was when the Viking axeman at Stamford Bridge killed Pikachu and a Unicorn. All in all, a good history lesson, I think.

Orjan

A Wizard’s Report – Day 1

Wow, I’m tired… How on earth did I end up this tired at 8pm at night? Ah, yes, the Discworld Convention.

Last time (was it really 2 years ago?) I wrote up some articles based on what I did at the convention as it went along. This time, as it is my second convention, I thought I would be truly original and do the same thing, only with the experience of actually having been to one of these things before.

Some of you will be thinking “What happened to Friday? Surely that was Day 1”. Unfortunately, I was unable to get the Friday off work and so we only arrived at the convention on day 2… which I’m calling day 1… hmm… this could get confusing.

Right, on with the info. We intended to arrive at the convention at 8.30 but, due to us having two small kiddies (Darpebble and Darchip), we ended up arriving at 9. We reached the Lancre Forge (after some initial guesswork) to be told that Registration was being held in Ops. We then went to Ops and were told that they had left 5min ago to transfer to Lancre Forge. All this meant that by the time we reached the Registration, time was running out for the Guild Meetings and we had to scatter. On the plus side, we pretty much knew the layout of the rooms and we knew that the convention was ON!

Wizards Guild Meeting: I can’t tell you what happened in here… no, really I can’t. I was a little late to the show, so I missed a lot of what the guild had planned. I did catch on that they had a few items that they were trying to schedule, such as “Hut, Hut!” and a “Wake up with Wizards” along with some unusual messaging services. More of the “Hut, Hut!” later.

The Weakest Guild: Ah, a quiz! Surely, the wizards (obviously the cleverest of the conventioneers since they have a university) would win this hands down. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Our wonderful, creative, brilliant and downright lethal dictator, The Patrician, had agreed to ask the questions (which were very tough) and he was only slightly biased completely unbiased towards the Assassin entrant.

Our entrant, though brilliant, had been caught before his 12:00 breakfast and was obviously at a distinct disadvantage as no reasonable person should be expected to function before breakfast. He therefore slipped up and was voted out by the Patrician – you know the drill: One man, one vote – when there was a tied vote from the contestants. The winner in the end was the Witches Guild entrant who was obviously cheating as no-one should know all those answers (well done to an exceptional winner).

Time Bending with Lupine: Ah, a crass conjurer. A purveyor of tricks and legerdemain. On behalf of the Wizards of the Discworld, I can, as a previously registered member of the Guild of Conjurers, be absolutely certain that no magic was actually performed. It is our duty as official Wizards to ensure that such tricksters do not use actual magic in pursuit of their craft. All of his incredible feats were done without the use of real magic, despite the somewhat incredible nature of some of the items in his repertoire. Despite my obvious and necessary displeasure at such crafts as his, I was nevertheless somewhat entertained at the obvious delight provided to those of other, less knowledgeable professions.

Candle Making: After the magic show, I took Darpebble and rushed over to the Candle Making to try our hand. She and I were suitably impressed with her creation and she proudly presented it to Darwife after the event. You never know, it might even come in handy for some summoning ritual at some point. After this we did find the time to pop into Chaos Costuming, where there is loads of interesting fabrics and stuff to use if you need it.

Lunch: Wow, we actually found time to take a break and eat something. No really. Maybe those schedulers actually planned it that way. Anyway, onwards.

Puppet Workshop: I had the rather surprising pleasure of taking Darpebble to this while my wife and son spent their time in Disc is Your World. We made ourselves sock Nac Mac Feegles of varying sorts and some of the creations were absolutely incredible.

Bernard had the remarkably tough job of judging the various creations and decided that everyone should win (very magnanimous since my creation was very average compared to some of the others).

My particular favourite was Bernard Nac Mac Feegle which we kept hidden till last. The intention from this event is to hold a Puppet Show Nac Mac Feegle version of Where’s My Cow tomorrow (it’s on the schedule). I hope people enjoy the show. Scheduling may prevent my participation, but hopefully Darpebble will make it.

Face Painting and Tattooing: Hmm… My daughter became a Tiger. I went for a well deserved pint and chat with some of my fellow Wizards. After all the excitement and entertainment of the day, I felt it was necessary. It also gave me time to write up some notes, which you are now reading the product of.

So that’s it. That’s all that I did for day 1 (or is it 2?). We set off for home to recoup and prepare for tomorrow. How will that go I wonder? Well, I’ll let you know tomorrow. I’m completely wiped out – probably has something to do with getting up before 12.

Hut, Hut!: Oops, did I forget this? From what I understand, there are a bunch of people for whom this particular event will not be forgotten. If you want the details, hunt out the gossips. Far be it from me to spoil the fun of this particular tail. The same Wizards are doing the Wake Up with Wizards in the morning, so if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, get up and join in the fun (and ask about Hut, Hut!).

I hope you enjoyed my brief report on the day and that you can take a little appreciation of some of the events that you may have missed. There is always too much to do at the convention and I know that I do not get to everything I would like to (they’d need a week).

Enjoy your convention,
Darrock (Wizard, 1st Class)

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - News Bulletin 3

Your correspondent is reporting from the guilds reenactment of Koom Valley in Morpork, specifically from field B11, where he, your faithful correspondent, is acting as a dwarf.

This is the second leg, the trolls won.

I'm surrounded by representatives from other guilds, witches, Unseen University, small gods and so on, who, on the whole, are taking up the spirit of the game most excellently. Ably supported by our guild sisters and brothers.

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - News bulletin 2

A triumph, says the tyrant.

Most fun I had in 50 years ... says Vetinari.

The "Where's the Mime, Milord?! " competition sponsored by our own Lord Vetinari was staged today at the traditional guild entertainment.

The 4 lucky winners were presented with exotic confiserie, while the other 20 participants took being presented to the portable scorpions pit in good spirits.

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - Daily News Bulletin No 1 - Saturday

Why, you may ask your good selves, does the Conjurors, Thespians and
Assorted Trades - Daily News Bulletin No 1 only arrive on the second day
of the convention, and well you might, but ...

... the whole guild, or rather the attending members thereof, spent all
their available productive time thinking up, writing, choreographing,
setting to music, rehearsing all the delights we will be, well,
delighting the convention with, to wit:

... Where's the Mime, MiLord - a competition, judged by the great
patrician himself, and! with a REAL scorpion pit

... A game of THUD - delighting the masses not just with the wit of some
of the greatest dwarf, troll or otherwise sentient beings, but by the
grace, ponderousness, skill and sheer artistry of our cast of life thud
pieces

... for the discerning public, we will, for the first, and, if the
threats to the guild are to be believed, only time, be presenting "A
Troll Dress-Tease", a spectacle that is bound to put crude imitations
like bear baiting into the shade

In other news, our contestant in the Weakest Guild competition, when he
perceived that the members from the other guilds were way below him in
skill and knowledge, withdrew from the competition under the ruse of not
knowing the answers. This, you may be relieved to hear, was not spotted
by audience or jury, but his fellow guildsbeings will forevermore
remember it.

Over the course of the rest of the convention, the Guild of Conjurors,
Thespians and assorted Trades, will further delectate the con-going
public and graciously support other guilds, lest their amateur status be
visible to the public.

In the meantime, discussions with management about rates, allowances and
the redress of grievances go on, with the 238th meeting of the mediation
commission scheduled for Sunday next, in The Snug, as per usual.

Let us close with a request to our thankful audience: Please support
your Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and assorted Trades by providing aid
to the liquid refreshments fund available to the guilds members in the
mediation commission, so that this longstanding issue may be redressed
as soon as possible.

Good breakfast

I'm quite impressed with the convention hotel. It's got plenty of usable public space with a bar with reasonable food if you don't fancy what the con eatery is serving. They even had someone cooking omelettes while you wait at breakfast.

The sense of fun at this convention is almost tangible. People seem to be enjoying themselves far more than I've seen at recent Eastercons - possibly because no-one is trying to claim that the Discworld books are Literature with a capital L. The dealers' room is certainly much more interesting than I've seen for a long time too.

So far I haven't done much in the way of programme, although I am taking part in the Great Hedgehog Race, where we're building a 2-3 minute timer from bits and bobs. Ours is a gravitationally-driven, water-damped device with added axle grease.

Now I'm trying to decide what to have for lunch before throwing myself into the afternoon.

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