The Gala Dinner Speeches

by Jessica Yates

As the guests took their seats on Sunday night, they were intrigued to find what looked like a bread roll on their side plates – but it was inscribed with the word IRONCRUSTS and bore a Discworld Emporium stamp on the base. This unique piece of Dwarf Bread will make a fine paperweight. We also found dwarf beards by our plates, which improved the looks of some of us, but others were beyond hope.

After we had been thoroughly wined and dined it was time for the speeches, but first Brian called us to order. A member of his Committee (Michael Hunter-Jones) had just turned 20, and hotel staff brought out a surprise birthday cake and champers while we sang Happy Birthday!

Bernard proposed a toast to the Committee, very well deserved. Brian then paid tribute to the hotel staff and to the two ladies on the Committee who had originated and carried through the whole concept of the Low King’s Coronation – Mandy and Karen! He then handed over to Lady Margolotta (in whose castle we were dining) so that she could welcome us formally and introduce the Guest of Honour. Lady Margolotta (Jacqueline Simpson) took up the baton and ran with it in a tour de force of role-play and literary allusion – all in an Uberwald accent!

She began by addressing the “Low King, Knights of the Realm, werewolves [howls from the audience], vampires, elves, trolls, Igors, orcs, dwarfs and any other species of sentient life within the walls [audience cry of Bernard!]”. “I have many names” she continued “from my ancestors, and we must not forget them, or they will come back and bite us!” She owned up to her vampire nature but asserted that it was 422 years, 6 months and 5 days since she last tasted BLOOD! “I can say ze vord, I vill say ze word!”

She went on to tell us that in a special way we have all tasted blood. She related how through infinite Lspace she had heard of the great Roundworld poet John, the man who in Areopagitica (a defence of free speech) had written that “A good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit”.* She concluded triumphantly that “Ve have all supped on ze life-blood of a master spirit –it it gives me enormous pleasure to introduce the source of our intellectual life – SIR TERENCE PRATCHETT!”(Wild applause)

Terry rose and acknowledged the tribute. He welcomed the newbies in particular and spoke of the craic which hung in the air. “As a vampire myself I enjoy your enjoyment ....” He had loved the Crowning of the Low King and the Maskerade. Thanks again to the Committee....Discworld fandom has evolved, fans bring their children – it matures – You don’t mature! (laughter).

The last third of Snuff (a new Discworld novel) had come to him as he was preparing for the Convention; and a final word to Bernard – “After that ‘bread’ you’re going to get my dentist’s bill!”

*(the text of John Milton’s Areopagitica is available on the Internet)

The Coronation Of The Low King

by Jessica Yates

The votes were in, and of the seven dwarfs running in the election, the winner was Jennifer Delaney. Jennifer had campaigned in dwarf-costume and impressed the audience with her quick wit and good sense at the hustings which had been held during the Maskerade.

She sat on the Scone of Stone, made the ritual answers to the ceremonial questions and was handed a series of traditional symbols by Lady Margolotta von Uberwald. These were: an axe, a ruby, a witch’s broom, a wizard’s staff, a troll’s club, the owl and hippo of Ankh-Morpork, and a cabbage from the Sto Plains. By the end of this she resembled less a pharoah, and more a contestant in Crackerjack.

Crowned with a miner’s helmet and making her first speech as King, s/he commanded a regal presence as s/he thanked her campaign manager, supporters and her rivals, who had fought a clean campaign – the fools!

Well done to those Committee members who had prepared the order of coronation, and the symbolic objects to provide a really professional piece of role-play for our entertainment.

The Day of Rest - Ssrienna's Story Part 4

by Jan Uzzell (Ssrienna)

Sunday

I was woken at 0650 and decided, far too early, so thought I’d snooze. I finally woke at 1041 (sigh) having missed the Church of OM (again!) at 0900 and the Character Borrowing at 1100. What a good start!

I did, however, make the Headology and Psychology lecture, which was fabulous and the Charity Auction (in between going to Sator Square to buy things I could afford!!). There were some AMAZING things being sold and some unbelievable prices being paid … I wonder what it’s like in a rich man’s world (sigh)

Then it was back to my room to get changed, with Lottie’s help again (I really couldn’t have coped this weekend if not for her help and Donal’s assistance in Ops) for the Low King’s Coronation and the Gala Dinner at Lady Margolotta’s palace (Ankh). I managed to find a sofa near to the entrance of the Dysk, where I had great pleasure in photographing the wonderful costumes.

After the Low King’s Coronation (Jenny Delaney as Her Lowness), which I couldn’t see much of unfortunately, we moved through to the Gala Dinner. Lottie and Lisa were my table companions and we were enchanted to find beards and dwarven rolls ready for us! How thoughtful of Her Ladyship to ensure that the guests, who did not have beards, were able to fit in thanks to their completely realistic Boffo beards!

The food was delicious, the wine matching the witty repartee in its sparkle and the speeches were great. I did feel like falling through the floor again when Terry mentioned the Maskerade winner (me!) in his speech!! Talk about your surreal memories of a Con!! I floated out of there back into the Rat Races, which were still going. Listened again to Mr B the Gentleman Rhymer (mind bogglingly good) and then went on to Scone and Jam, before heading room wards again at 0200 (ish). I’m sensing a pattern here!

Death By Chocolate

They always say when there has been a murder it's often a close family member and in the case of the contract taken out on my son, they are right. At the age of seven, my now 14 year old son developed a serious allergy to Chocolate. On that occasion he was rushed in to hospital because he had stopped breathing and so has avoided chocolate ever since. This gave me the perfect way to facilitate his demise at the hands of the Assassin's Guild. The reason - he's a 14 year old boy, I think that's reason enough. So after managing to lose my son, I made my secret rendevous with a beautiful young female assassin by the name of Tabby. We plotted and planned and decided that the pre-gala cocktails would be the perfect opportunity for her to slip my son some "chocolate laced" fruit pastilles (having cleared it with Ops and the MOC of course).

As the time drew closer, my excitement grew. Sitting at the table I watched as Tabby passed her tray of goodies to other people around us, then she offered one to my son and he popped one in his mouth. "Are you Mashus Altorus?" she asked. "You have just been assassinated". I would gladly have paid double the 2 Million AMD that it had cost me to see the thrill on his face as he realised it was me that had taken out the contract! I handed him the death's head ring I had bought him to commemorate the day of his death and we thanked Tabby for her wonderful service as she read out his contract.

Shortly after this we were sitting enjoying our dessert at the Gala dinner, when it was pointed out to my son that the base of the mousse he was eating looked a little too dark to be plain sponge. Had the assassins struck for real this time? The waitress was called over and asked. She callled the head waitress, who went to speak to the chef. Sure enough, the sponge contained the fatal cocoa and my son was over half way through it. Yet he was still breathing. It would seem that to a certain extent my son's terrible allergy has lessened. Was the assassination both kill and cure? He is still breathing now, and we shall be doing some further controlled tests, and if he has outgrown this allergy, he will always remember the day he found out.

Mashus then went on to have an official photo taken with his young assassin and has her Facebook details - I think he plans to haunt her!

Pam Martin