Yeth Marthter!

- by Siobhan Greaney

The Athothiation of Thurgeonth, Igorth and Igorinath was one of the guilds for this year's convention. A big thank you must go to the ConCom, the Monks of Cool, my fellow deputy Xris (who did most of the pre-con preparation for guild activities) and to all our wonderful members who helped make our guild extra thpethial.

Below is a day by day account of our main activites:

Friday night at the Guild Meeting we kicked off our weekend-long Scavenger Hunt, letting our own members form teams and suggesting to other guilds that they get a team to compete.

On Saturday, we were honoured to host the programme item: Igor's Bestiary. Nearly all day was spent helping people rip teddy bears to shreds and glueing, taping and stiching them back together in new and interesting ways in Lancre Forge. A huge thank you is due to Hailey for organising this event in the first place and for relinquishing it to us when she realised she had tripple booked herself that afternoon. Barry V was the winner of the 'motht monthtrouth beathty' with his creation:

(Photo by Gideon Hallett)

We also held the first round of the 'Make Your Own Thcrapth' which involved cutting out various dog limbs and attaching them to balloons. Some people chose to take theirs away, others left them to our 'Scrap Pile'.

Sunday morning saw us hosting the 'Igor Games' in Morpork. We had another round of 'Make Your Own Thcrapth' as well as an 'Ubervaldian Thcrabble' board (no 's' or 'w' - extra 't', 'h' and 'v's) for people to play with. The most popular game by far was Human Operation. The "patient" was covered with a sheet of tin foil with spaces cut out to sellotape the organs to them. Xris had rigged up a buzzer that went off if the tin foil was touched with the surgical implement (bbq tongs). Many thanks to those who played the part of patient for more than one turn so that everyone who wanted to play got a chance.

Sunday night at the Rat Races, the Igor's stall was offering 'Retro-Phrenology' - change your personality with the bump of a (weapons-checked) mallet! Thanks are due to not only our own members but to some of the Historians guild who had both made our mallets and performed some retrophenological procedures on the night. Also on offer were wipes and lotions to kill your invisible demons (ritual excorism optional). We also had a volunteer Igor participant in the drag races, thanks are due to him and to the wonderful Igorinas who spent their afternoon making his outfit and doing his make-up.

Monday morning, we wound down with the hand in of the Scavenger Hunt - one interprid team had taken the cheating ideas to heart and managed to get all of the items due to some fudgery, a catalogue and blackmail. A stirling example of Igor Scavaging at its best.

I'm sure there are some things I've forgotten to mention and specific people I've neglected to thank so apologies if so.

Some people went all out with their costumes, scars, lisping and general 'Igor-ness' for at least part of the con. Others helped quietly in the background preparing for or supervising guild activities. I sincerely hope that all guild members had a good time, that all those who took part in our activities enjoyed them, and that however much or little you encountered us - that the guild made the con thpethial for you too!

Thiverth

A Song and Dance - Ssrienna's Story Part 5

by Jan Uzzell (Ssrienna)

Monday

All too soon the fateful day dawns – the end of the DW Con 2010!

I spent most of the morning nattering with more friends and trying to take Donal’s advice of trying to rest the leg (the bruises are still fairly flamboyant but the knee is really stiff and sore – sigh) Then off to Rocky Horror Discworld Show...what can I say that hasn’t already been said in other Con reports!

They were BRILLIANT! The cast, the sets, the narrator (Pat again!), the songs – all wonderful. I think my favourite bit is when Carrot (“dwarf”) is doing the Brad bit having just met an unusual Patrician and he says “Can we use your phone?” followed by “Go back to our car” and after each time he turns to Angua (“werewolf”) to mouth in complete confusion “phone” and “car”! Priceless again! Then they did the time warp with the ENTIRE con joining in (I tried from my seat ;)

They retired to Biers where they allowed people to take photos!!

After some more gossiping with old friends and new, it was then time for the closing ceremony. The first part went in a bit of a blur! All I could remember was “Oh God! We’ve got to go up and collect a trophy again” I still can’t believe it and yet I can turn my head and see it in my cabinet behind me!

I believe the Guild of Seamstresses won the Guild competition. As I was part of the Bonk Operatic Society, a non-competing guild so technically we couldn’t lose, I hadn’t kept up with all the guild activities, although I did hear of the “how many people can you stuff under a crinoline?”[1]

Then Brian had the stage and called up all the wonderful people who made up the Committee this year. A lot of thoroughly well deserved cheering and clapping followed all the people who’d given up seeing programme items, sleep, food and (almost) alcohol to make this, in Terry’s words, the BEST CONVENTION EVER!

We did speculate whether there would be another (Terry said there would be!) and who would Chair it … the photo says it all!

Here’s a HUGE thank you to all the committee members for a wonderful time and am looking forward to the next one in 2012. Who knows, I may even make some of the other ones! I’m definitely getting the habit!! How do I end this … Oh I know!

Fat Lady Has Sung!

---

[1] Apparently 15 – I’ve seen the photos!

Day 2

by Darrock, Guild of Seamstresses

The guild still has no idea of the depth of my deceit. It would seem that they are being hired by Sir Joshua for some kind of “display”. Judging from the conversations whispered on the street corners, there is nothing that the Seamstresses will not do for Sir Joshua, though I have no idea quite what they mean by that.

As far as I can tell, the Seamstresses do not have enough work to do. They spend much of their time away from their houses, looking for commissions. Since there are a large number of Seamstresses, I can only assume that the commissions they take are worth considerably more money than I can warrant. The seamstresses seem to follow a similar sleeping pattern to your average UU student, sleeping through to early afternoon and staying up very late, and indeed sometimes into the early hours.

I have been asked to join in with the events around Sir Joshua. No-one seems to be able to tell me what to do. There appears to be some singing and standing around and more than anything it reminds me of a night down the Mended Drum. We will see what happens later.

Juicy tidbits of gossip

The Gossipmongering part (Wolffie, with a helping hand from Nitta) of the Honourable Company of Journalists, Clackspersons and Gossipmongers have been out digging up some juicy tidbits of gossip, which we bring here for your reading pleasure.

Mystick Minnie's Houriscopes for Saturday, August 28

PROBOSCIS, the Anteater: you will experience a deep sense of dread and foreboding just before opening your closet. It's probably nothing.

AMBIGUA, the drag queen: the Moon is ascending in your Cusp of Qualor, but it's just being friendly. The lid on your jar of jam will be unusually stiff. Hit it with a knife handle.

TRIANGULUM, the triangle: Extra cash brings bad luck. Buy your nearest astrologer a pint to restore your spiritual balance.

FLEDERMUS FRUCTOSE, the Fruitbat: You are invincible. Nothing can stop you. All undertakings begun today will meet with guaranteed 100% success. Want proof? Jump in front of a rolling cart!

DENARIUS, the Lawmaker: Find a Canis Calientus and stand behind them while grinning unnervingly. Guaranteed laughs.

TRIANGULUM ALTERNIMUS, the other triangle: the eye is the window of the soul. Consider getting new curtains.

EPHEBORASTOS, the Priest: the Sun in opposition to A'tuin's left eye drives change. Begin a new relationship today. Him over there, he'll do.

CANIS CALIENTUS, the Sausage: Look behind you.

ARENA LAMIA, the Sandwich: worrying about the End Times so much won't make them come any later, or for that matter any sooner. Enjoy your life even though your days are numbered...very numbered.

HABEAS CORPUS, the Igor: exthpect the unexthpected. Give yourthelf the chanthe you detherve and you will thuctheed on your own meritth. Your employer'th lothth ith your gain!

TRIANGULUM ALTERNISSIMUS, the other other triangle: Nox descending in trine with the Black Sun leaving the cusp of Io's sceptre trailing a blessed reverse syzygy. Hope that clears things up!

VISITOR CONFUSUS, the Perplexed Guest: Go to Ops.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: nobody knows what you did last year, don't worry. Double check that all the evidence is well hidden and do your best to carry on as normal. Sheep cannot legally be called to testify, except in Llamedos.

Chronicles of Darrock - Day 1

I have successfully infiltrated the guild with the able assistance of my wife and children. They suspect nothing! We had a meeting, during which it was suggested that we should supply “love” to the people and that the people would then provide us with recompense... This seems like a very odd arrangement to me. In Ankh, if you provide someone with something and ask for a “voluntary donation” they’ll take what you give ‘em and run for the hills (well, the Shades anyway).
As for this “love” thing, it does not seem to have much to do with darning socks... Some of the others did mention corsetry and offering assistance to those finding this item of clothing difficult. This seems like much firmer territory and I offered to assist, although the offer was turned down for some reason (they obviously do not believe that I am sufficiently high ranking in the guild).
Since then, I have tried to follow the guidance of the guild as allowed, providing hugs to tired denizens when requested and generally spreading the message of love (very reasonably priced apparently) to one and all.
Tomorrow, I hope to find out more about the dubious activities going on and discover the secret of how they have managed to infiltrate the area so completely. I will have to sacrifice myself to the cause in the hopes of getting away from all this quicker.

Signed,

Darrock (Guild of Seamstresses)

Chronicles of Darrock - The Assignment

Have you ever had one of those days where your world hangs in the balance and you’re not sure whether anything will be the same again? Yes? Me too.
I have been on an investigative trip into the Roundworld for the UU. The place is... weird. Anyway, the other day, I got pulled out of the Roundworld and to my surprise was sent to see the Archchancellor. He offered me a “rare opportunity” and the “chance of a lifetime”. I was, of course, suspicious, but refusing the Archchancellor might lead to “words”.
My “opportunity” was that the Seamstresses were active in elsewhere in the world (no point in trying to get into the Seamstresses in Ankh, they know all the wizards anyway) and the Archchancellor was very keen that I should discover what they actually did. He had heard rumours that darning socks was not their only service.
Anyway, after some travelling and a cunning disguise (the Archchancellor even changed my hat!) I have managed to infiltrate the guild and am now in a unique position to report on activities back to UU.
As such, I will be writing pieces for the Chronicle with the intention of providing much needed information to the Archchancellor on these activities. With any luck, I can obtain enough to satisfy the Archchancellor and return to UU (and my fellow students) soon.

Signed,

Darrock (Guild of Seamstresses)

The Honourable Company supports Jennifer Delaney for Low King!

The Honourable Company of Journalists, Clackspersons and Gossipmongers is, of course, taking the upcoming election for Low King very seriously. Who sits on the Scone has wide implications for all of us in the short term as well as in the long perspective. The Company has been evaluating the candidates for a considerable period and has made its decision. We need a strong Low King, we need a firm Low King, and above all, we need a media-friendly Low King. A free and unintimidated press is essential for Uberwald.

The Honourable Company of Journalists, Clackspersons and Gossipmongers is delighted to announce that it endorses the candidacy of Jennifer Delaney (A89) as Low King. Jennifer Delaney is a dwarf of many years' stooping with a long and proud record of serving the mines in many capacities. We believe that Jennifer Delaney is the best dwarf for the role of Low King. If Jennifer Delaney is elected, there will be more gold for all dwarves and we will get the answers to the pub quiz in two years' time!

As for the other candidates, we have heard some sad tales. Our crack team of investigative journalists is still investigating, and we are gathering evidence of shameful scandals. Rumour has it that at least one candidate is not a dwarf and that some may even be female and proud of it. Rest assured that we will do our utmost to keep you updated on these shocking revelations.

Remember, in the election for the Low King, vote Jennifer Delaney (A89) – high standards for the Low King!

On behalf of the Honourable Company of Journalists, Clackspersons and Gossipmongers,

Elias Helfer, Deputy.

An Introduction to the Guilds of the 2010 Convention.

A number of Ankh-Morpork's Guilds, both great and small, are present in Bonk for the delegation; where they are to be welcomed by a number of Bonk's own local associations.

They are:

From Ankh-Morpork:

• The Guild of Assassins
• The Guild of Seamstresses
• The Honorable Company of Journalists, Clackspersons and Gossipmongers
• The Guild of Historians, Teachers and Archaeological Knowitalls

From Bonk:

• The Reformed Athothiation of Thurgeonth, Igorth and Igorinath
• The Missionaries, Proselytes and Botherers of Om
• The Überwald League of Temperance
There is also a (non-competitive) Guild for people who have a yearning to display their skills at performing:
• The Bonk Operatic Society (twinned with the Dolly Sisters Players).
Between them, they possess a power for chaos, mayhem and (we hope) a very large amount of fun!


Guild membership

...Is voluntary. No-one is expected to join a Guild if they don't wish to; and you should have a wonderful time here regardless. You won't miss any events by not being part of a Guild.

That said, the Guilds are the source of all sorts of insanely fun and creative ideas, as well as being a great icebreaker. We'd certainly recommend them and you can join the discussions about Guilds here.

(Admittedly, we're biased.)

Although members will generally be assigned to a Guild at random, you *can* change to another Guild when you arrive at the Convention. We'd encourage you to do this at the Guild Fair, which takes place on the first day of the Convention.

We do also take efforts to ensure that all children will be placed in a Guild with at least one of their parents.

Nothing that happens before the Convention is absolutely final (or we'd be History Monks!).
The Monks of Cool (a.k.a. the Guilds Team).
The great and wise in the Committee called upon us as part of their sage deliberations two years ago. The Monks of Cool are a roaming team of Very Mellow Individuals headed up by the Abbot of Cool himself. Our way is to promote cosmic harmony through the application of relaxation; to smooth troubled waters, to unfurrow Guild brows, to help the Guilds get what they need to get to do what they want to do.

(Within reason. Since the Thieves Guild ran off with our I.W.I.N. button, we do have to say no on the odd occasion. But we don't like saying no and would much rather say 'Wow! cool!')

We will assign deputies, handle transfers, answer your questions, advise on the feasibility of Guild plans, assist where we can, and keep track of the score during the Guild Competition.

Each guild will have two deputies who will be in charge of their day-to-day activities. We are currently in the process of recruiting these. Should they encounter any problems, or be uncertain as to whether it's a good idea to, say, paint the hotel black to match their clothes, we will be at hand to help with friendly advice and blunt instruments.


The Rules
There are one rule and two recommendations, handed down from the timeless wisdom of the Abbot himself. If you stick to these, all will have an excellent convention, and we'll have less to do, leaving us more time to, well, be cool.

* Be excellent unto one another.
* Have fun
* Make fun for others

We look forward to helping you make things incredibly groovy.

The Monks of Cool.

(Beware of) The Alchemists Corner

Unidentified Flying Objects
Many reports from the local area have been arriving of UFO sightings.
Some people have suggested that there was just an unusually high volume of witch activity overhead but other eye-witnesses were convinced that what they saw was even more unusual. Reports of children, Feegles, Wizards and even Alchemists on broomsticks have been received. The Alchemist Boughtdaughter was out with her iconograph, with imps at the ready, hoping to capture pictures of the next sightings. These pictures are truly amazing.....

Dragon-Powered Custard Server
The winner of the Swamp-Dragon-Powered-Invention Competition received her reward. The prize for this Alchemist-devised competition was presented to Adele, the inventor of the favourite entry, avoiding too much of a bang. Her contraption is a Swamp Dagon Powered Custard Server (please place your orders now!).

The prize consisted of variously coloured, squidgy, ingredients for alchemy, ingots of (fool's) gold, and a tome called Darwin’s Watch signed by the Alchemists’ Head, Jack Cohen; by UU Head, Ian Stewart, and by the other author.

There were no runners-up prizes but two other entrants are worth a mention. Firstly Len Oil with a Dragon-Powered Sprinkler System and then Liz with 5 separate ideas, mostly good, but she may have lost our vote by suggesting that we use Swamp Dragon residue to flavour crisps!

Alchemists Caught Hunting for Magic Wave-Heating Box
The Alchemists also caused dismay in Harga’s House of Ribs when they caused a multi-layered reaction in a drinking vessel.

Soon after this, Alchemists were caught hunting for a magic wave-heating box. The alchemists insisted that they only wanted the ‘microwave’ to provide tasty ‘popped corn’ snacks, or banged grains. This caused much hilarity (once the panic had died down).

Alchemy Breakthrough
A recent experiment by alchemists was deemed a success although two of the Guild were lost in the explosion. One of the deceased came to terms with her untimely demise by expressing herself in song with a surviving alchemist and seemed to fully accept that she died for a good cause.

RavenousJo, Co-Deputy of the Alchemists Guild

A Con Report - at last - from a tired Guild Deputy

Well, I'm finally in a fit state to write something! It's only taken 3 days to recover from the bone-weary sense of fatigue. But I wouldn't have changed a SINGLE THING ... except maybe to have ensured that the Procrastinators were fully charged. I was painfully aware as the Con got into full swing that there were many, many clashes in my own personal schedule

However, I'm getting ahead of myself!

I arrived at the Hilton about teatime on Thursday (and definitely agree with other people's thoughts on the hotel! Gosh, it was BIG!) I made it through Registration in one piece and, attempting to get the trolley to obey, staggered off to find my room (4227). Not a bad size, with an en-suite bathroom and a sofa - mind you, I didn't get to see much of the room except in the early hours of the morning, when I went to bed!

I headed downstairs and decided to get a drink at the "The Bunch of Grapes". I was pounced on by Beth (a con newbie all the way from Delhi, although born in Houston). She'd seen my Con T-shirt and had taken the plunge, as she didn't know anyone. That soon stopped, as she threw herself into the Convention spirit with gusto. She'd joined the Seamstresses Guild and I have the photos to prove that she filled a corset VERY well. :-))

I soon caught up with my other Guild Deputy, Loriba, and the 3 of us enjoyed some rather pleasant nachos. It set the tone for the rest of the Con - good food, good friends and a LOT of fun. Loriba and I realised that we had a LOT to do and started planning and plotting.

The next few days are a bit more of a blur - I can remember getting up anywhere between 0700 and 0830 most mornings (Friday morning I actually made it to the Hotel's pool, which was very nice). But for the most part it was Loriba and I meeting for breakfast and trying to plan what we were going to do for the day, creating posters, putting them up, talking with the Monks of Cool (who were AWESOME - thanks to Abbot Orjan, Leo, Gideon and Drachii), liaising with the other Deputies to try and ensure we were all co-operating (Many thanks to the ones who I pestered and cajoled - Periwinkle, Marlies, Winterbay, Snow, Eelco, Eric, Kary-Ann and Viv, Judith and Marco - you were wonderful to work with), and getting to Guild events to ensure that our members had some moral support. (Huge thanks to Davina, Xris, Torak, Flexor, Sabremeister, Kirsten, Richard, Thomas, Yoo, Dave, and especially Kai who all performed so brilliantly. I know there were many others - the couple in Maskerade who did the Agnes/Ghost duet and all the people who turned up to support the Conjurors' Guild, but I can't remember any more names).

We produced some interesting games, as a Guild, which a lot of lovely people turned up to and seemed to enjoy:

"Where's the Mime, MiLord?" - a Discworld variant on "What's the Time Mister Wolf". We were completely floored when Stephen Briggs actually agreed to play Lord Vetinari for us and the Dark Clerks (thanks to Drumknott and Yoo) provided a Portable Scorpion Kit (every tyrant should have one!) Everyone (including Stephen) appeared to enjoy themselves, we even had volunteers to be Guards to drag the helpless or maybe hapless victims to the PSP - very silly and a LOT of fun! (Sorry to Pat's talk next door - we did try to whisper "Pit, pit, pit" at the appropriate times!)

A Live Thud Match! - Loriba was a complete STAR here! She (and her lovely Mum) created the board out of lining paper and some little flags of Red (D for Dwarf) and Blue (T for Troll). She even had a pin board mapped out for the players to use and plan their moves. We were worried that we wouldn't get the people for this (after all - 32 dwarves, 8 trolls and 2 players!) but we needn't have worried! Bernard Pearson (our lovely Guild Leader) said that he'd make a special badge for everyone who played (or was a piece) and the Con turned up trumps!! We even had an audience and an Assassin for a ref (how appropriate). Many thanks to ALL who turned up and agreed to stand around on a board in the evening - you were all WONDERFUL, but special thanks to Pieter and Ynte our players (congratulations again to Pieter for winning) and to Kural Kushi - our ref at short notice!

The Condensed Discworld Competition - which ran for the whole Con. The task was to reduce the plot of a DW novel to a single sentence (Brevity is Best) and pop it in the box at Ops. A HUGE thank you to the 4 lovely people who agreed to be our judges Monday morning - Judith "Lady Vanessa" Proctor, Lisa "CCA" Williams, Pat "the Compere" Harkin and Bernard "the Cunning Artificer" Pearson. They had a LOT of entries to go through but they finally whittled their way down to 4 that were the cream and Bernard picked the Overall Winner

Maskerade "Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!" by Carolyn (M.O.P.P)
Xris got an Honourable Mention as he'd created a limerick of ALL the novels!!

The Trolls' Dress-Tease - this was very silly but seemed to go OK. Xris and Butcher very kindly agreed to be our Trolls and even allowed RJW76 to paint them grey! We then had two Seamstresses (actually the two Deputies, Essy and Periwinkle) race to dress them. Essy & Xris appeared to be going for total body coverage and speed, whereas Periwinkle and Butcher were going for the artistic look. We allowed the audience to judge and they chose Essy and Xris! Worthy winners!

Just A Minute - There were two sessions - I only managed to make one - Torak as host and Davina, Judith, Alison (Mrs Davina) and Periwinkle started - but I've written about this already. I wish I'd seen the Post Watershed one - it was apparently excellent, with an extra rule of "unnecessary cleanliness" joining the more traditional "hesitation, repetition and deviation."

I know there were more things. I actually saw the How to Buckle a Swash this time, took part in Walk the Walk with Kai (who was BRILLIANT), attended A Time and Place for Music (ahh! the Unholy Round with Mole - magic) and also Toast & Jam where a lot of wonderful musicians covered up my singing :-) (thanks Eric, Edmund and the rest of you all for making me sound reasonable), there were some awesome voices there.

Got to see Maskerade again (well done, all the participants - you were ALL great); attend the Gala Dinner (and wear a posh frock); ride a winning dragon (even if the other riders were inhumed around me. ;-) Watched the Reduced Discworld Production (masterfully done guys! Loved the 50 ft woman), and adored the HolyWood ending (Congratulations to you both!!).

Missed the Charity Auction this year (sigh), both the gophering and the watching, although it was lovely to hear that the Beastiary made £40 (woo hoo) -- there's an animal of mine in there (nice warm fuzzy feeling).

I got to see LOADS of people and talk with at least half, run around like the proverbial fly, eat, drink, HAVE FUN and occasionally (very occasionally) sleep! Biggest thanks must go to the Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and Associated Trades members, but the BIGGEST must go to Loriba who was absolutely wonderful and put up with me the whole weekend!

*rubs hands together*
So - how long til 2010?

*grin*

Ssirienna
(Guild Deputy - Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and Associated Trades)

Seamstresses' Prizes

The Guild of Seamstresses awarded two prizes at the end of the con.

Richard of the Conjurers Guild won the 'Best Customer' prize. (A shopping bag with the words 'I've been stitched up by the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Seamstresses' on it.)

Judith of the Teachers Guild won the prize at the Double Entendre Olympics. (A tapestry of the Seamstress Guild's logo with the word WINNER above it in red.)

Thanks to everybody who took part!

Prizes!

A quick list of the main prize winners as announced at the Closing Ceremony - more prizes and links to follow!

Prizes, Prizes, Prizes!



Karen/hypatia, still half asleep...

Reasons to be Cool

As part of this year's Guild effort, all members of the Convention were supplied with a number of Tokens of Appreciation (or TOAs) that they could fill out and present to a deserving fellow attendee.

Many big and high-profile cool things happening at the Convention but we wanted to find a way to allow recognition and "rewarding" of the smaller, more personal cool things that are also a big part of what makes Discworld Conventions so much fun - the TOAs were a way of achieving this.

So, if another convention member did something cool that made your day just that little bit more happy, even (especially!) if it was only something simple like making you smile at the right moment or being a creative participant in some event, you could fill in a TOA and let them know one-to-one.

If the receiver was actively participating in the Guilds they could then hand in the TOAs they had collected to the Monks of Cool and earn their Guild a (small) number of points in the Guild competition.

An unexpected advantage of this setup was that with a couple of hundred of TOAs thus ending up in the Monks' Inbox, we were able to get a pretty good idea of the sort of things that people had found worthy of Appreciation.

Here is a small selection of representative TOA quotes:

• "For... dancing the Flamenco"
• "For... an enlightening bathunt"
• "For... doing the Beastiary"
• "For... being blue"
• "For... education on the subject of mathematics"
• "For... babysitting my stuff while I went to get a power cable"
• "For... Orangogram"
• "For... violence and pushing"
• "For... good singing of songs"
• "For... making me laugh so much; loved my 1st con"
• "For... nice dress"
• "For... 'name the dragon'"
• "For... room 3b"
• "For... feeding the queue"
• "For... gallantry in extreme circumstances"
• "For... cursing the ATM"
• "For... wonderful Toast and Jam"
• "For... one of the most vampish costumes I've ever seen"
• "For... bringing me to the DW con again cos it's so much fun"
• "For... walking around with a sack with a foot sticking out"
• "For... serenading me"
• "For... refereeing the live Thud match"
• "For... great singing and oooking"
• "For... anti-Nac Mac Feegle charm"
• "For... blanket for pet snake"
• "For... making an alchemist explode"
• "For... wish stones and helicopter"
• "For... persuasive recruiting"
• "For... tupenny upright"
• "For... sociability & general kindness"
• "For... death by chocolate"
• "For... assassination contract - fulfilled"
• "For... knowing his hymenoptera"
• "For... buying me a drink"
• "For... bananas!"
• "For... double entendre olympics"
• "For... a very exciting massage"
• "For... spontaneous tap dancing"
• "For... trying to fix my camera"
• "For... the funky broom piccie"
• "For... handing out chocolate goodies. yum."

Death By Chocolate

They always say when there has been a murder it's often a close family member and in the case of the contract taken out on my son, they are right. At the age of seven, my now 14 year old son developed a serious allergy to Chocolate. On that occasion he was rushed in to hospital because he had stopped breathing and so has avoided chocolate ever since. This gave me the perfect way to facilitate his demise at the hands of the Assassin's Guild. The reason - he's a 14 year old boy, I think that's reason enough. So after managing to lose my son, I made my secret rendevous with a beautiful young female assassin by the name of Tabby. We plotted and planned and decided that the pre-gala cocktails would be the perfect opportunity for her to slip my son some "chocolate laced" fruit pastilles (having cleared it with Ops and the MOC of course).

As the time drew closer, my excitement grew. Sitting at the table I watched as Tabby passed her tray of goodies to other people around us, then she offered one to my son and he popped one in his mouth. "Are you Mashus Altorus?" she asked. "You have just been assassinated". I would gladly have paid double the 2 Million AMD that it had cost me to see the thrill on his face as he realised it was me that had taken out the contract! I handed him the death's head ring I had bought him to commemorate the day of his death and we thanked Tabby for her wonderful service as she read out his contract.

Shortly after this we were sitting enjoying our dessert at the Gala dinner, when it was pointed out to my son that the base of the mousse he was eating looked a little too dark to be plain sponge. Had the assassins struck for real this time? The waitress was called over and asked. She callled the head waitress, who went to speak to the chef. Sure enough, the sponge contained the fatal cocoa and my son was over half way through it. Yet he was still breathing. It would seem that to a certain extent my son's terrible allergy has lessened. Was the assassination both kill and cure? He is still breathing now, and we shall be doing some further controlled tests, and if he has outgrown this allergy, he will always remember the day he found out.

Mashus then went on to have an official photo taken with his young assassin and has her Facebook details - I think he plans to haunt her!

Pam Martin

Just a Minute (An InterGuild Extravaganza hosted by the Conjurors et al)

Earlier today, an appreciative and knowledgeable audience were treated
to a fast and furiously contested game of Just a Minute. The Host
(Torak) welcomed representatives from 5 Guilds (Small Gods, Wandering
Teachers, Witches, Seamstresses and Conjurors).

The topics ranged from "The Relevance of Bees", through "More Tea,
Vicar" to "Smiting" and of course "How to find a Man in a Hat". A
substitution of Witch for Seamstress was allowed after it was revealed
Periwinkle was required elsewhere (muttering something about "stuffing
sausages") and the Small Gods reincarnated a total of 3 times!

After a wonderfully fought battle the Conjurors emerged victorious,
although best counter challange must go to Marlies (one of the Witch
Deputies) who when challenged in her part of "More Tea, Vicar" that
they may prefer coffee and become annoyed to be offered tea, remarked
"A Vicar would never be so impolite to refuse such a gesture!"

Final scores:

Conjurors - 26 (260) points
Wandering Teachers - 24 (240) points
Small Gods - 13 (130) points
Witches - 05 (100) points
Seamstresses - 02 ( 40) points

It was felt that as both the Seamstresses and Witches didn't have the
same amount of time, their scores were doubled. All points go to the
respective Guilds.

A further game of Just A Minute (post watershed!) will occur in the
bar tonight.

Not Quite A Newbie

Well... two years ago, I went to the DWcon because I thought it would
quite possibly be heaven to be around "my sort of people".

Instead, I ended up using the convention as a staging ground for my
first real life meeting with my, at the time, long distance
relationship boyfriend.

So like I tell anyone who asks: "No, this isn't my first time, but
it's ok, I wasn't paying attention last time.".

Now that I am paying attention, however, THIS IS BRILLIANT.

I'm in Birmingham, the town where my ex actually lives. I should be
either depressed or pining or something (we broke up two weeks ago),
but I'm actually so happy it's not even funny.

Discworld people are everything I thought they would be - Odd, easy
going and beyond friendly.

I'm knee-deep in guild work... I went to church in the morning (I'm
Jewish, though)... I got up the nerve to tell Stephen Briggs how much
I admire his Vetinari impression... and in about 4 hours I'm going to
a Klatch with TP.

If I get run over on my way home, you wouldn't hear me complaining...
and not just because I'll be a smudge on the asphalt!

Ginny

(This Chronicle entry was brought to you by the Teachers, Explorers and
Librarians Guild.)

Spectacular Win by Biscuit at the Dragonraces!

In the eighth and final heat of yesterday's Dragon races, the Havelock Vetinari Mime Chase, Biscuit (running in lane four) took a spectacular win, leading the rest of the field by over two-thirds of the distance. Biscuit was ridden by a champion jockey from the Conjurer's Guild.

Commentators speculate that a contributing factor in Biscuit's phenomenal performance may have lain in the enthusiasm of his supporters, which must certainly have affected the spirits of the other competitors. For instance, one fan contracted the Guild of Assassins to inhume the other seven riders at the start of the race, which added a little additional excitement to the events.

The jovial, competitive atmosphere of the race was marred slightly by some unsporting behaviour in lane eight, where a number of bystanders jumped onto the track and assisted that dragon in getting down the field. We have been informed that an investigation has been started into whether this blatant interference was the action of an illegal Klatchian gambling ring backing the competitor in lane eight.

It is believed this gambling ring may also be behind the scandalous allegations of race-fixing levelled against the backers of Biscuit in lane four. The fact that some of the largest money-winners from that heat were members of Ops and the Watch surely means that the fairness of events is beyond doubt!

Thankfully these distasteful events did not overshadow the wonderful performance of Biscuit. Final payout came to three for one, and many happy faces were seen in the bar following the races. Brother Kai, a large sponsor of Biscuit, was seen chatting with senior members of the Guild of Assassins. Jos-Ops was displaying his new-found wealth and rearranging the furniture in the bar.

-- Newsdesk of the Guild of Assassins School Paper

Wizard's Dragon Racing Triumph!

The wizards emerged triumphant last night after an evening's entertainment, dragon racing with the elite of Ankh-Morpork society.

Due to a noble decision to resist cheating via both mundane and magical means, the Unseen University's representatives in the races lost every event due to questionable racing practices by the lesser guilds.

A faculty member in the crowd who decided to take part in one race was quoted as despondently saying "Ook."

However, the last laugh was had by the wizards, whose insightful betting resulted in the most money won by any single organisation.

When asked, Archchancellor Ridcully modestly said "Of course we won. We're wizards."

He did have some thoughts on the newly acquired winnings too. "It's a lot of money, and that brings responsibilities. For starters, we now need someone to be responsible for turning the Beggar's Guild away from the door."

Peter Rolph

Assassination and obituary package page 2...

The Guild of Assassins announce the completion of a contract against Mashus Altorus.

The terms of the contract were as follows: the assassination of said Mashus Altorus for being a typical 14 year old son to be carried out during the pre-gala cocktail party; the price for this contract was set at AM$2,000,000 and one token of appreciation.

The assassination was carried out at 7:23pm during cocktail hour whilst the victim sat amongst his family at a table full of people. Assassin Tabby carried out this assassination of "Death by Chocolate" by disguising herself as a convention gopher and passing round a plateful of sweets to all at the table.

Waiting for the victim to eat and swallow his chosen sweet, she pointed out to him that the goodies actually contained chocolate, a substance to which the victim was known to be allergic. Tabby read out his contract as the poor lad died from awful allergy related swellings, chokings, and eventual cramping pains.

pp Lord Downey