The Gala Dinner Speeches

by Jessica Yates

As the guests took their seats on Sunday night, they were intrigued to find what looked like a bread roll on their side plates – but it was inscribed with the word IRONCRUSTS and bore a Discworld Emporium stamp on the base. This unique piece of Dwarf Bread will make a fine paperweight. We also found dwarf beards by our plates, which improved the looks of some of us, but others were beyond hope.

After we had been thoroughly wined and dined it was time for the speeches, but first Brian called us to order. A member of his Committee (Michael Hunter-Jones) had just turned 20, and hotel staff brought out a surprise birthday cake and champers while we sang Happy Birthday!

Bernard proposed a toast to the Committee, very well deserved. Brian then paid tribute to the hotel staff and to the two ladies on the Committee who had originated and carried through the whole concept of the Low King’s Coronation – Mandy and Karen! He then handed over to Lady Margolotta (in whose castle we were dining) so that she could welcome us formally and introduce the Guest of Honour. Lady Margolotta (Jacqueline Simpson) took up the baton and ran with it in a tour de force of role-play and literary allusion – all in an Uberwald accent!

She began by addressing the “Low King, Knights of the Realm, werewolves [howls from the audience], vampires, elves, trolls, Igors, orcs, dwarfs and any other species of sentient life within the walls [audience cry of Bernard!]”. “I have many names” she continued “from my ancestors, and we must not forget them, or they will come back and bite us!” She owned up to her vampire nature but asserted that it was 422 years, 6 months and 5 days since she last tasted BLOOD! “I can say ze vord, I vill say ze word!”

She went on to tell us that in a special way we have all tasted blood. She related how through infinite Lspace she had heard of the great Roundworld poet John, the man who in Areopagitica (a defence of free speech) had written that “A good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit”.* She concluded triumphantly that “Ve have all supped on ze life-blood of a master spirit –it it gives me enormous pleasure to introduce the source of our intellectual life – SIR TERENCE PRATCHETT!”(Wild applause)

Terry rose and acknowledged the tribute. He welcomed the newbies in particular and spoke of the craic which hung in the air. “As a vampire myself I enjoy your enjoyment ....” He had loved the Crowning of the Low King and the Maskerade. Thanks again to the Committee....Discworld fandom has evolved, fans bring their children – it matures – You don’t mature! (laughter).

The last third of Snuff (a new Discworld novel) had come to him as he was preparing for the Convention; and a final word to Bernard – “After that ‘bread’ you’re going to get my dentist’s bill!”

*(the text of John Milton’s Areopagitica is available on the Internet)