The Seventh Discworld Convention

by Russell Landy

Seemingly I was one of the 50% newbies that were mentioned so often over the course of the weekend. I will ignore how hidebound this comment was for the purposes of this article as I had attended the amazing first ever Irish con the previous year.

I don't want to make assumptions for the other 899 attendees but I had an absolutely brilliant time and this was mainly due to the other 899 people there. Despite having been to the amazing first ever Irish con in 2009, I was not really sure what to expect in Birmingham. I knew that it would be bigger of course but size does not always matter. And in the same way that expanding an eagle by an order of four will not make it fly higher, faster or longer, quadrupling the number of attendees will not necessarily make for a better convention.

But just to ensure that I kept an open mind on this, I decided to arrive in Birmingham on Thursday evening so as to have the opportunity to see and experience as much as possible. I arrived just in time to miss the food that was available in the quiz - which was fiendishly hard. But luckily the bar was open and it was not the first time I have had to take my calories in liquid form.

Wandering around the room and spotting some familiar faces (from the amazing first ever Irish con in 2009) helped me to quickly discard the roundworld mindset and settle down in to what would eventually turn out to be one of the best weekends in a long time. Even only getting 1 question right in the quiz was not enough to dampen my enthusiasm; I just accepted the fact that I am obviously an illiterate, blinkered idiot who shouldn't be allowed out without an aide and moved on to enjoying myself.

Advice Interlude: Do not stay up drinking until 4:00 am in the bar if you have not eaten anything. You may regret it the next day.

Friday started bright and cheerful, and after breakfast I moseyed along to The Lancre Forge to register and receive the goodie bag. I also found out where Ops was (just in case) and because I am that sort of person, did a quick walk around of the hotel to make sure that I knew where all of the rooms were. You may laugh now, but you never knew when figuring out the quickest/easiest route from Ankh to the Cavern could come in handy. Obviously I was working out the routes from all the rooms back to Biers - because that would definitely come in handy over the weekend.

Fully awake and in DW mode, I jumped straight in and joined a team in the UU challenge. The less said the better, but at least we finished with a positive number of points which is something. This was quickly followed up by some games of werewolf which as an icebreaker is always a good laugh.

At the opening ceremony I got to see (and feel) exactly how much body heat could be generated by 900 people. I think I can sum up Brian's speech with 3 little words "go to ops". I am sure there was other stuff, but it was probably unimportant. Hearing Terry speak was, as ever, well worthwhile and it was good to see him in such fine form as it boded well for the rest of the con.

Back in the main room after the guild meetings, I was surprised to see how empty it was for the Bedtime Stories. For anyone out there who missed it - you fools. The first 50 pages of Snuff were read out by Rob (luckily without the need for him to attempt a Feegle accent) and I for one was on the edge of my seat waiting to hear where the story was going. Afterwards the conversation in the bar turned towards where we thought the plot was going and despite being told later on by both Colin and Rob that Tim and I were a million miles away, I am not convinced. Friday night ended up more or less like Thursday " no Hobgoblins left"1 with another 4:00 am finish.

Advice Interlude: See previous advice.

Saturday rolled in and I was desperately trying to decide what to do, find out about the history of money, or elves. Should I attend the talk on criminal minds or deterministic monkeys? How useful would it be to hear Donal tell the newbies what to expect and do (go to ops) at the con for a second time or listen to some unexplained mysteries. Did I want to embarrass myself in another UU challenge or the hedgehog race? And then of course there was the age old question regarding lunch and whether it is worthwhile missing something just to eat. Having read the readme, and the pre-con blogs and listened to Brian I realised that until cloning was perfected I was going to have to miss out on some stuff. But what I did get to (mysteries, criminal minds, elves, hedgehog, no lunch) was very informative and obviously fun.

I decided to take it easy in after Terry's interview in expectation of a great maskerade. I was not disappointed. Pat was, as expected, in fine fettle and managed to ignore the cacophony of barnyard noises aimed in his direction to run the event. While I may not have fully agreed with the judges decisions regarding the winners, I assume that they had their reasons. Far be it for me to suggest that they would be anything but infallible. The end of another great day, and it seemed like I had been there for weeks at that stage.

As with all discworld events (according to Brian), if it happens once it is a tradition, if it happens twice it is a long standing tradition. I therefore traditionally ended up in the bar after the maskerade until around 4:00 am. I am nothing if not consistent. That evening the talk turned to whether the chairman really is immortal and therefore immune to (successful) assassination attempts, how Stephen Briggs had succumbed to poisoned popcorn and the advisability of shaking hands with assassins in general.

Sunday started more or less just like Saturday. There was lots to do, various places to be, people to see (if only for just long enough to slip a venomous snake in to their pocket) and food to eat.

Advice Interlude: If attending the story telling competition try and not allow yourself to be volunteered unless you have something prepared.

Of course when it comes to telling stories, Bernard is unparalleled and can always be relied upon to be politically correct, brief, child friendly and keep on topic. All that remained afterwards was relax and wait for the evening's entertainment to commence. Yes it was the moment we were all waiting for.... the coronation of the low king. I do not want to use the words "fix", "gerrymandering" or even "cheating" so I won't. Suffice to say that politics in any form is always interesting.

I had an inkling that the gala dinner would be fun when I saw the small loaf of dwarf bread provided to all of the guests. During Terry's (short) speech I found my attention was diverted by the only staff member still in the room and who was trying (and failing) to not laugh convulsively. I got the feeling that if he wasn't a fan before the weekend he was definitely one by then. Returning to the Dysk afterwards for the Rat Race events was the perfect end to yet another long and awesome day. The only possible improvement would have been if Pat had shown up for his inhumation. Next time though.

Advice Interlude: Never bypass the opportunity to receive some reverse phrenology from a lovely (if mad) Irish girl.

Monday dawned (at around 6:00 am) and I realised that this was it, the end of my first ever DWCon (not withstanding my attendance at the amazing first ever Irish con in 2009). If I had one complaint, it would be that holding the Great Hedgehog Race at 9:00am was slightly biased in favour of any non-drinkers. It is all about the taking part and not blowing anything up. I was suitably embarrassed, and have already been in discussions with some engineer friends of mine for advice on the hedgehog for the 2012 con.

It was nearly time for the highlight of the whole weekend - not the RHDS , the "So You Think You Can Do It Better". How could I resist the opportunity to tell the committee about all of their blunders, goofs, mistakes, errors, bloopers, and cock-ups. I was a bit concerned that there was only an hour put aside for this event and that it was being held in the Odium. I did believe that an event of this magnitude should be scheduled over two-three hours in the Dysk. But seriously both the committee and the hotel staff had done an amazing job to ensure that everything ran as smoothly as possible. I was surprised to hear that we had drunk 10,000 bottles of beer and can see some sort of song being sung concerning walls, ales and bottles falling at future cons.

A late addition to the programme was the talk by various representatives regarding all of the upcoming cons in 2011. It was poorly attended - probably because not everyone knew about it, and most people seemed to have spent the hour queuing for the RHDS. So for those of you who were not aware, we heard about five (yes five) discworld conventions that will take place in 2011. So for anyone who has not already planned their holidays yet, I suggest you make sure your passport is up to date.

Australia (April), Netherlands (May), USA (July), Germany (September/October) and Ireland (November). I have not been to any of the others but I can say that the first Irish con in 2009 was amazing.

As I left the room, I realised that the person I had thought was queuing for me was there as she had a reserved seat. I envisaged sitting so far back from the stage that I would be in the bar and was not (like Vimes) a happy camper. But thanks to the luck of the Irish there was one door in that despite having both gophers and watchmen at it, had no queue. So at 13:00 I sauntered in and found a seat almost at the front where I had a wonderful view of a great production. Congratulations to everyone who gave their time to put on such an amazing show for our benefit.

All that remained was the closing ceremony, the dead monkey party and farewells to new and old friends. I am trying to juggle my schedule to make it to as many cons next year as possible and hope to see many of you there as well. With any luck they will all be as amazing as the second Irish con in November.

I would just like to say a huge thank you to everyone involved in making a brilliant weekend; the chairman, committee, volunteers (gophers, watch, crew), guests, hotel staff and all of the other attendees. I am only sorry that I didn't get a chance to speak to more of you.