Guilty of Literature

This was a well-attended panel discussion under the title of the collection of essays originally published by the Science Fiction Foundation.

US Academic Stacie Hanes stated that criticism should not be negative but illuminate reality. She spoke about how Victorian attitudes to women are reflected in the witches' attitudes to decency, especially underwear. Seamstresses were also common, as shown in census records. Laundrywork often involved unpicking garments and sewing them up again when washed.

Next came Carolin Esser of the University of Winchester, a medievalist who has studied "The Devil from the Bible to Terry Pratchett". After a discussion of concepts of evil, concentrating of 'Eric' and 'Good Omens', Jacqueline Simpson took over to discuss literary merit.

She pointed out that Terry's multiple narrative style goes back to the medieval interlace technique, and was also employed by Dickens and TV soap operas of today. Terry is especially good at the rhetoric of anticlimax, or bathos and writes in lyrical style to celebrate the beauty of the Chalk Downs.

Colin Smythe wound up the discussion by saying that academics have come to Terry late and are trying too hard if their criticism doesn't communicate the fun of reading his books.

Jesca Yates

Wizard's Lead From The Start (Of Day)

Following a workout approved by Archchancellor Ridcully himself, Unseen University invited members from the city's guilds to come and learn a refined method of facing a new day.

Valiantly beginning in the corridor whilst waiting for a Monk of Cool to be fashionably late with the keys for a room, the skilled representatives of wizardry generously assisted those from the lesser guilds who had managed the 7.30am start on what is widely considered an acceptable lie-in day.

Baring the occasional joint pop and crunch, this proved to be beneficial to the health and alertness of most in attendance; only a minority of participants fell asleep against the walls during the proceedings.

Murmurs that the majority of the university's faculty remained in bed instead is a malicious rumour, unless expressed by someone who was present to witness the truth of it.

Text: Peter Rolph, Photo: Doctor

Living in Interesting Times

Looks can, as we all know, be deceptive. Seemingly harmless things can turn out to be quite lethal, while the big, armed man in armour can turn out to be Constable Haddock (definitely human).

Thus, I stopped dead in my track a few days ago when, turning into the men’s lord’s room outside the Dysk, I saw this:


Now, we all know and, well, not so much love as ignore these, which call out to the world that (often contrary to empirical data) the floor is, in fact, wet.

But, bearing in mind what we all know about the eyes[1] not seeing what’s actually there, I urge you to take another good look at this one.

I think you can see why this made me hesitate. “Hazardous” is an adjective I would usually apply to things like narrow paths on sheer mountainsides or maybe the Shades, and not a slightly moist floor that may or may not have been wet at some point.

However, after a close scrutiny of the flat thing with taps for handwashing, the floor, the roof and the ...objects mounted on the other wall what I am not going to name... I went in, only slightly jittery, and after a while, left. And, no matter what the hazard was, I’ve lived to tell this tale.


[1] Well, actually, it’s the mind doing the job. But, being the one making the meaning of things, the mind blames the eyes. That’s because it means. Sorry, it’s mean. I mean.

Elias

Assassination and obituary package page....

The Guild of Assassins wish to announce the completion of the contract against Constable Peter Haddock.

The contract terms were as follows: Constable Peter Haddock to be eliminated in order to preserve the alcohol supplies for the rest of the convention members; fee for said assassination to be AM$2 and a fair-share of rescued beverages.

The assassination took place at 12.29pm on Saturday 23rd August outside Harga's House of Ribs and Biers. Mad Hamish was chosen to carry out this contract on behalf of Lord Downey. The demise of Constable Haddock was slow and painful as the poisonous scarab beetle planted by Mad Hamish ate its way through his brain (the finding of which consumed the most time, these things don't come with a SatNav).

Now all people of the Dysk can relax and enjoy the now more copious availability of whiskeys and beers.

Pp Lord Downey

Reigning Champions Whipped By Seamstresses

Amazing scenes in Ankh today as a team of seamstresses beat the reigning champions of the Dyskheads trivia challenge. They are now to defend their title at nine on Monday. Not to be missed!

Rumours that their win was achieved by offering favours to the quizmaster and blowing kisses to the audience are entirely unfounded. They won through a wax talisman and a thorough knowledge of Men At Arms.

Guild of Seamstresses

The Truth - Discworld Broadcasting Company Play for Today

Six actors and a sound effects person stood behind their microphones in traditional radio manner. They then performed for us, the second part of The Truth. ( The first part had overrun slightly and so Part 2 was re-scheduled for Sunday. )

Characters such as Otto, Mr Pins and Mr Tulip came to life thanks to a great cast, led by Ptim Williams as William de Worde. We heard and saw William unmasking his father, facing down Commander Vimes and then holding the final subtle conversation with Lord Vetinari and Sacharissa.

The cast included:

Tony Perkins
Elain Mein
Jacqui Lawrence
John Hicks (Lord Vetinari)
Pam Hicks
Rchard Atha-Nichols
A. Rouch

Jesca Yates

Church of Om

This traditional feature of the Convention, which was founded by Bernard Pearson, was very well attended, with a printed Order of Service presenting the Service of Commemoration for Lu-Tze the sweeper.

Officiating clergy's names were too long to transcribe here, but comprised Lionel Fanthorpe, Mole and a Novice.

The congregation sang hymns, joined in the prayers and made the signs of the Turtle and the Holy Horns. Both Jacqueline Simpson and the Creator declared they had been moved by the service. All credit to Mole for putting the service together.

Jesca Yates

Never mind L-Space....Today the convention is falling victim to P-Space. Pearls are vanishing inexplicably.
A black pearl has vanished from the ring on the finger of guest Lionel Fanthorpe and a half made peach pearl necklace has also vanished from the table of pearl purveyor Pearlescence in Sator Square.
Sightings should be reported to Ops.

We’re not doing too bat...

Saturday evening, 18 people and two bat detectors went on an expedition to that distant land called “outside the hotel,” looking for bats. Biologist Gwen and bat enthusiast Richard Proctor arranged the walk after discovering Friday that they had both brought their bat detectors with them.

The bat detectors pick up the high-pitched noises the bats use for navigation and turn it into something the human ear can hear. A trained user can determine the species of bat by the pattern of the sounds.

According to Richard Proctor, the best places to find bats are near old trees, and near open water – both of which are present by the hotel. So hopes were high as the bat walkers went out into the night. And they were not disappointed: during the one hour walk, going just around the hotel, the detectors picked up the sounds of 12-20 bats. The participants even saw a few of the bats flying by.

The bats heard during the walk belonged to three different species: Daubenton’s bats, Pippistrelles and a third, unidentified species.

The walk was such a success, the two bat connoisseurs are giving da capo. So if you missed the walk you’ll have the chance tonight at 8 o’clock.

Elias

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - News Bulletin No 5

Interguild: Just a Minute

Today the first ever Interguild Just a Minute was organised and staged
by the Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades Guild in The Cavern, one
of the most stylish venues for intimate events on the whole of the Dysk.

Participants from all major guilds took part, ably moderated by the
Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades own Torak.

The final score saw the Conjurors pass the Teachers with 26 to 24, with
honourable mentions going to both Witches and Small Gods.

Those inhabitants of this Dyske of a more mature and adult disposition,
may be overjoyed to hear that there is a real chance of a SPECIAL POST
WATERSHED ADULT JUST A MINUTE.

Time and venue will be, of course, communicated to the cognoscenti by
the usual channels.

I'm Bela Lugosi

Well, it turns out I was already dead, as that was the murder mystery the Assassins set up - who killed the Abbot of Cool? Fortunately, since dying at the start of the Con would be Uncool, I quickly reincarnated. There are some benefits to being the Ultimate Funkster, after all.

Today, though, I shed my cool robes and donned a chainmail shirt, to introduce The Reduced Battle Company, who presented Viking Age England: 300 years of Conflict (with tea breaks).

If you missed it, you missed murder, mayhem, mutilation, pillage, plunder and ravishing of women. Great family entertainment, in other words. I think the most popular part was when the Viking axeman at Stamford Bridge killed Pikachu and a Unicorn. All in all, a good history lesson, I think.

Orjan

A Wizard’s Report – Day 1

Wow, I’m tired… How on earth did I end up this tired at 8pm at night? Ah, yes, the Discworld Convention.

Last time (was it really 2 years ago?) I wrote up some articles based on what I did at the convention as it went along. This time, as it is my second convention, I thought I would be truly original and do the same thing, only with the experience of actually having been to one of these things before.

Some of you will be thinking “What happened to Friday? Surely that was Day 1”. Unfortunately, I was unable to get the Friday off work and so we only arrived at the convention on day 2… which I’m calling day 1… hmm… this could get confusing.

Right, on with the info. We intended to arrive at the convention at 8.30 but, due to us having two small kiddies (Darpebble and Darchip), we ended up arriving at 9. We reached the Lancre Forge (after some initial guesswork) to be told that Registration was being held in Ops. We then went to Ops and were told that they had left 5min ago to transfer to Lancre Forge. All this meant that by the time we reached the Registration, time was running out for the Guild Meetings and we had to scatter. On the plus side, we pretty much knew the layout of the rooms and we knew that the convention was ON!

Wizards Guild Meeting: I can’t tell you what happened in here… no, really I can’t. I was a little late to the show, so I missed a lot of what the guild had planned. I did catch on that they had a few items that they were trying to schedule, such as “Hut, Hut!” and a “Wake up with Wizards” along with some unusual messaging services. More of the “Hut, Hut!” later.

The Weakest Guild: Ah, a quiz! Surely, the wizards (obviously the cleverest of the conventioneers since they have a university) would win this hands down. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Our wonderful, creative, brilliant and downright lethal dictator, The Patrician, had agreed to ask the questions (which were very tough) and he was only slightly biased completely unbiased towards the Assassin entrant.

Our entrant, though brilliant, had been caught before his 12:00 breakfast and was obviously at a distinct disadvantage as no reasonable person should be expected to function before breakfast. He therefore slipped up and was voted out by the Patrician – you know the drill: One man, one vote – when there was a tied vote from the contestants. The winner in the end was the Witches Guild entrant who was obviously cheating as no-one should know all those answers (well done to an exceptional winner).

Time Bending with Lupine: Ah, a crass conjurer. A purveyor of tricks and legerdemain. On behalf of the Wizards of the Discworld, I can, as a previously registered member of the Guild of Conjurers, be absolutely certain that no magic was actually performed. It is our duty as official Wizards to ensure that such tricksters do not use actual magic in pursuit of their craft. All of his incredible feats were done without the use of real magic, despite the somewhat incredible nature of some of the items in his repertoire. Despite my obvious and necessary displeasure at such crafts as his, I was nevertheless somewhat entertained at the obvious delight provided to those of other, less knowledgeable professions.

Candle Making: After the magic show, I took Darpebble and rushed over to the Candle Making to try our hand. She and I were suitably impressed with her creation and she proudly presented it to Darwife after the event. You never know, it might even come in handy for some summoning ritual at some point. After this we did find the time to pop into Chaos Costuming, where there is loads of interesting fabrics and stuff to use if you need it.

Lunch: Wow, we actually found time to take a break and eat something. No really. Maybe those schedulers actually planned it that way. Anyway, onwards.

Puppet Workshop: I had the rather surprising pleasure of taking Darpebble to this while my wife and son spent their time in Disc is Your World. We made ourselves sock Nac Mac Feegles of varying sorts and some of the creations were absolutely incredible.

Bernard had the remarkably tough job of judging the various creations and decided that everyone should win (very magnanimous since my creation was very average compared to some of the others).

My particular favourite was Bernard Nac Mac Feegle which we kept hidden till last. The intention from this event is to hold a Puppet Show Nac Mac Feegle version of Where’s My Cow tomorrow (it’s on the schedule). I hope people enjoy the show. Scheduling may prevent my participation, but hopefully Darpebble will make it.

Face Painting and Tattooing: Hmm… My daughter became a Tiger. I went for a well deserved pint and chat with some of my fellow Wizards. After all the excitement and entertainment of the day, I felt it was necessary. It also gave me time to write up some notes, which you are now reading the product of.

So that’s it. That’s all that I did for day 1 (or is it 2?). We set off for home to recoup and prepare for tomorrow. How will that go I wonder? Well, I’ll let you know tomorrow. I’m completely wiped out – probably has something to do with getting up before 12.

Hut, Hut!: Oops, did I forget this? From what I understand, there are a bunch of people for whom this particular event will not be forgotten. If you want the details, hunt out the gossips. Far be it from me to spoil the fun of this particular tail. The same Wizards are doing the Wake Up with Wizards in the morning, so if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, get up and join in the fun (and ask about Hut, Hut!).

I hope you enjoyed my brief report on the day and that you can take a little appreciation of some of the events that you may have missed. There is always too much to do at the convention and I know that I do not get to everything I would like to (they’d need a week).

Enjoy your convention,
Darrock (Wizard, 1st Class)

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades: Daily News Bulletin No 4 - Sunday

We, the grateful members of the Worshipful Guild of Conjurors, Thespians
and Assorted Trades, have been blessed by many excellent and appreciative
audiences at the many entertainments, great and small, that we have contributed
to this very fine convention.

Yesterday's oeuvre was formed of such triumphs as:

... Where's the Mime, Milord?
... Live Thud
... Memorable participation in The Weakest Guild
... Entertaining ALL in the great corridors

Today, we, The Worshipful Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted
Trades, present you, the citizens of the Disc, with:

... "A Troll Dress-Tease", featuring a real, live mountain troll in its
first ever public appearance.

Other presentations will include participation in

... Just a Minute

... The Dragon Race

... The Toast and Jam

... and really anywhere else we will have members attending

In other news:

Our most esteemed guild brother Richard, with the help of some most
excellent witches, entertained Harga's House of Ribs with the enactment of a
man cursed and saved by witches.

A Time and Place For Music

Brother Imp would be happy. Even at this late hour, many musical aficionados showed up to sing, declaim poetry, play and sing. We had many good singers and artists. Menno "Flexor" Willemse started off the evening with Jim Croce's "Time in a bottle" and F. Carillo's "Time is a jailer", followed by Julie and Timothy Anderson, who started with "Knocking on Heaven's door". They were followed by the characteristic sound of Eric Jarvis, famous for drowning out, unamplified, a rock band. His act was followed by Añejo, who did a rendition of "Mercedes Benz", followed by a beautiful sea-song, unaccompanied.

But not all was song.

Andrew Brown read a poem about the battle of Hastings, and there was nary a dry eye in the room. His place on the stage was filled, amply, by the lovely Heather, who gave us a smouldering rendition of what is known in places as the "Jessica Rabbit Song". Then, assisted by Mr. Jarvis, Gemma took the stage to sing a haunting song. She was followed by Adrian Ogden who sang an a cappella rendition of "I am the entertainer" and "This is the hardest song in the world to find".

Ali of #afp fame then gave us a song with puns most atrocious, may she be forgiven. Next was Ben of the Green, who employed both expressive choreography and play of the didgeridoo for a surreal tale of the termite kingdom inside the atoms of a table, despite being severely hampered by the length of the microphone cable. Next, Stuart Quinn-Harvie gave us a poem.

After Stuart, Countertony took the stage with something from the classical repertoire. Dave sang a song and gave us a poem, which I believe he wrote himself. Later in the evening, he would write a poem at this very event and recite it, which we may say was above and beyond the call of duty. Jessica then came on and gave us a short story of a humorous nature.

Our other resident countertenor, Megamole, sang a song from Countertony's book, which he had borrowed. Then, Ssirienna gave us a rendition of "The Wild Rover" without which the evening would not have been complete. Many rounds of performance were achieved, and late was the hour when we finally decided that it was a night. It was a good night. After a final pint in the bar, your Compere packed up his belongings, and went to sleep, dreaming not at all.

Flexor

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - News Bulletin 3

Your correspondent is reporting from the guilds reenactment of Koom Valley in Morpork, specifically from field B11, where he, your faithful correspondent, is acting as a dwarf.

This is the second leg, the trolls won.

I'm surrounded by representatives from other guilds, witches, Unseen University, small gods and so on, who, on the whole, are taking up the spirit of the game most excellently. Ably supported by our guild sisters and brothers.

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - News bulletin 2

A triumph, says the tyrant.

Most fun I had in 50 years ... says Vetinari.

The "Where's the Mime, Milord?! " competition sponsored by our own Lord Vetinari was staged today at the traditional guild entertainment.

The 4 lucky winners were presented with exotic confiserie, while the other 20 participants took being presented to the portable scorpions pit in good spirits.

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - Daily News Bulletin No 1 - Saturday

Why, you may ask your good selves, does the Conjurors, Thespians and
Assorted Trades - Daily News Bulletin No 1 only arrive on the second day
of the convention, and well you might, but ...

... the whole guild, or rather the attending members thereof, spent all
their available productive time thinking up, writing, choreographing,
setting to music, rehearsing all the delights we will be, well,
delighting the convention with, to wit:

... Where's the Mime, MiLord - a competition, judged by the great
patrician himself, and! with a REAL scorpion pit

... A game of THUD - delighting the masses not just with the wit of some
of the greatest dwarf, troll or otherwise sentient beings, but by the
grace, ponderousness, skill and sheer artistry of our cast of life thud
pieces

... for the discerning public, we will, for the first, and, if the
threats to the guild are to be believed, only time, be presenting "A
Troll Dress-Tease", a spectacle that is bound to put crude imitations
like bear baiting into the shade

In other news, our contestant in the Weakest Guild competition, when he
perceived that the members from the other guilds were way below him in
skill and knowledge, withdrew from the competition under the ruse of not
knowing the answers. This, you may be relieved to hear, was not spotted
by audience or jury, but his fellow guildsbeings will forevermore
remember it.

Over the course of the rest of the convention, the Guild of Conjurors,
Thespians and assorted Trades, will further delectate the con-going
public and graciously support other guilds, lest their amateur status be
visible to the public.

In the meantime, discussions with management about rates, allowances and
the redress of grievances go on, with the 238th meeting of the mediation
commission scheduled for Sunday next, in The Snug, as per usual.

Let us close with a request to our thankful audience: Please support
your Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and assorted Trades by providing aid
to the liquid refreshments fund available to the guilds members in the
mediation commission, so that this longstanding issue may be redressed
as soon as possible.

A Story At Bedtime

By far the best bit of the first day of my first convention had to be settling down with the man we had all come to adore, as he read us a bedtime story. Dressed mostly as the characters from our story-teller's books, but also in various nighties and pyjamas with teddy bears tucked under sleepy arms, children young and old filed excitedly into "the Dysk" to listen in rapturous awe as our hero read from his new novel, "The Nation" (not officially released until 11 September).

It sounds quite a dark endeavour compared to some of Terry's tales, and our breaths were simultaneously held as the wave crashed about the tiny island, leaving Mau and Daphne alone, together, but apart. We laughed with relief when the humour returned as Terry read on, and the time hurried by. Where were the history monks tonight? Too busy at the bar one assumes, when the end of the allotted time was reached and neither story- teller, nor (most of) the audience, were prepared to leave.

It was lovely to see that, despite the trouble Terry had with lighting on stage, with his own head casting a shadow across his page, he enjoyed reading to his devoted audience, as much as we enjoyed the precious creation of his new words. He could quite easily have read the whole book tonight, and we would of course have let him, shuffling out in the early hours of the morning as tired messes, but not caring having been able to share the night with our hero.

But forty-five minutes after he should have stopped, Terry suddenly shut the book and told us all in no uncertain terms to "go away". We cheered, we yawned and we left: happy that the great man we have come to love through his writing, loves us in turn so much that he couldn't tear himself away.

And like a kindly grandfather, Terry Pratchett put his charges to bed. (the conventioneers and his book alike).

Sarah Ganderton

Photo: Robert "Otto" Flach

Good breakfast

I'm quite impressed with the convention hotel. It's got plenty of usable public space with a bar with reasonable food if you don't fancy what the con eatery is serving. They even had someone cooking omelettes while you wait at breakfast.

The sense of fun at this convention is almost tangible. People seem to be enjoying themselves far more than I've seen at recent Eastercons - possibly because no-one is trying to claim that the Discworld books are Literature with a capital L. The dealers' room is certainly much more interesting than I've seen for a long time too.

So far I haven't done much in the way of programme, although I am taking part in the Great Hedgehog Race, where we're building a 2-3 minute timer from bits and bobs. Ours is a gravitationally-driven, water-damped device with added axle grease.

Now I'm trying to decide what to have for lunch before throwing myself into the afternoon.

Sent með Blackberry frá Vodafone

NEWSFLASH! Abbot of Cool found Dead!

The Abbot of the Monks of Cool was found dead today after a meeting with the heads of Guilds. The Watch considers the circumstances suspicious and has opened an investigation.

The Guild heads were interviewed, and an impressive collection of weaponry has been seized. Nevertheless the Watch is baffled. The Patrician has asked the assistance of the Guilds and the public in the investigation.

Join the Murder Mystery! Runs throughout the Convention! Dénouement on Sunday at the pre-Gala cocktails! Registration for teams or individuals (we'll find you a team) in Harga's by the Bookcrossing table, Saturday till 13:30.

-- Newsdesk of the Guild of Assassins School Paper.