A Con Report - at last - from a tired Guild Deputy

Well, I'm finally in a fit state to write something! It's only taken 3 days to recover from the bone-weary sense of fatigue. But I wouldn't have changed a SINGLE THING ... except maybe to have ensured that the Procrastinators were fully charged. I was painfully aware as the Con got into full swing that there were many, many clashes in my own personal schedule

However, I'm getting ahead of myself!

I arrived at the Hilton about teatime on Thursday (and definitely agree with other people's thoughts on the hotel! Gosh, it was BIG!) I made it through Registration in one piece and, attempting to get the trolley to obey, staggered off to find my room (4227). Not a bad size, with an en-suite bathroom and a sofa - mind you, I didn't get to see much of the room except in the early hours of the morning, when I went to bed!

I headed downstairs and decided to get a drink at the "The Bunch of Grapes". I was pounced on by Beth (a con newbie all the way from Delhi, although born in Houston). She'd seen my Con T-shirt and had taken the plunge, as she didn't know anyone. That soon stopped, as she threw herself into the Convention spirit with gusto. She'd joined the Seamstresses Guild and I have the photos to prove that she filled a corset VERY well. :-))

I soon caught up with my other Guild Deputy, Loriba, and the 3 of us enjoyed some rather pleasant nachos. It set the tone for the rest of the Con - good food, good friends and a LOT of fun. Loriba and I realised that we had a LOT to do and started planning and plotting.

The next few days are a bit more of a blur - I can remember getting up anywhere between 0700 and 0830 most mornings (Friday morning I actually made it to the Hotel's pool, which was very nice). But for the most part it was Loriba and I meeting for breakfast and trying to plan what we were going to do for the day, creating posters, putting them up, talking with the Monks of Cool (who were AWESOME - thanks to Abbot Orjan, Leo, Gideon and Drachii), liaising with the other Deputies to try and ensure we were all co-operating (Many thanks to the ones who I pestered and cajoled - Periwinkle, Marlies, Winterbay, Snow, Eelco, Eric, Kary-Ann and Viv, Judith and Marco - you were wonderful to work with), and getting to Guild events to ensure that our members had some moral support. (Huge thanks to Davina, Xris, Torak, Flexor, Sabremeister, Kirsten, Richard, Thomas, Yoo, Dave, and especially Kai who all performed so brilliantly. I know there were many others - the couple in Maskerade who did the Agnes/Ghost duet and all the people who turned up to support the Conjurors' Guild, but I can't remember any more names).

We produced some interesting games, as a Guild, which a lot of lovely people turned up to and seemed to enjoy:

"Where's the Mime, MiLord?" - a Discworld variant on "What's the Time Mister Wolf". We were completely floored when Stephen Briggs actually agreed to play Lord Vetinari for us and the Dark Clerks (thanks to Drumknott and Yoo) provided a Portable Scorpion Kit (every tyrant should have one!) Everyone (including Stephen) appeared to enjoy themselves, we even had volunteers to be Guards to drag the helpless or maybe hapless victims to the PSP - very silly and a LOT of fun! (Sorry to Pat's talk next door - we did try to whisper "Pit, pit, pit" at the appropriate times!)

A Live Thud Match! - Loriba was a complete STAR here! She (and her lovely Mum) created the board out of lining paper and some little flags of Red (D for Dwarf) and Blue (T for Troll). She even had a pin board mapped out for the players to use and plan their moves. We were worried that we wouldn't get the people for this (after all - 32 dwarves, 8 trolls and 2 players!) but we needn't have worried! Bernard Pearson (our lovely Guild Leader) said that he'd make a special badge for everyone who played (or was a piece) and the Con turned up trumps!! We even had an audience and an Assassin for a ref (how appropriate). Many thanks to ALL who turned up and agreed to stand around on a board in the evening - you were all WONDERFUL, but special thanks to Pieter and Ynte our players (congratulations again to Pieter for winning) and to Kural Kushi - our ref at short notice!

The Condensed Discworld Competition - which ran for the whole Con. The task was to reduce the plot of a DW novel to a single sentence (Brevity is Best) and pop it in the box at Ops. A HUGE thank you to the 4 lovely people who agreed to be our judges Monday morning - Judith "Lady Vanessa" Proctor, Lisa "CCA" Williams, Pat "the Compere" Harkin and Bernard "the Cunning Artificer" Pearson. They had a LOT of entries to go through but they finally whittled their way down to 4 that were the cream and Bernard picked the Overall Winner

Maskerade "Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!" by Carolyn (M.O.P.P)
Xris got an Honourable Mention as he'd created a limerick of ALL the novels!!

The Trolls' Dress-Tease - this was very silly but seemed to go OK. Xris and Butcher very kindly agreed to be our Trolls and even allowed RJW76 to paint them grey! We then had two Seamstresses (actually the two Deputies, Essy and Periwinkle) race to dress them. Essy & Xris appeared to be going for total body coverage and speed, whereas Periwinkle and Butcher were going for the artistic look. We allowed the audience to judge and they chose Essy and Xris! Worthy winners!

Just A Minute - There were two sessions - I only managed to make one - Torak as host and Davina, Judith, Alison (Mrs Davina) and Periwinkle started - but I've written about this already. I wish I'd seen the Post Watershed one - it was apparently excellent, with an extra rule of "unnecessary cleanliness" joining the more traditional "hesitation, repetition and deviation."

I know there were more things. I actually saw the How to Buckle a Swash this time, took part in Walk the Walk with Kai (who was BRILLIANT), attended A Time and Place for Music (ahh! the Unholy Round with Mole - magic) and also Toast & Jam where a lot of wonderful musicians covered up my singing :-) (thanks Eric, Edmund and the rest of you all for making me sound reasonable), there were some awesome voices there.

Got to see Maskerade again (well done, all the participants - you were ALL great); attend the Gala Dinner (and wear a posh frock); ride a winning dragon (even if the other riders were inhumed around me. ;-) Watched the Reduced Discworld Production (masterfully done guys! Loved the 50 ft woman), and adored the HolyWood ending (Congratulations to you both!!).

Missed the Charity Auction this year (sigh), both the gophering and the watching, although it was lovely to hear that the Beastiary made £40 (woo hoo) -- there's an animal of mine in there (nice warm fuzzy feeling).

I got to see LOADS of people and talk with at least half, run around like the proverbial fly, eat, drink, HAVE FUN and occasionally (very occasionally) sleep! Biggest thanks must go to the Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and Associated Trades members, but the BIGGEST must go to Loriba who was absolutely wonderful and put up with me the whole weekend!

*rubs hands together*
So - how long til 2010?

*grin*

Ssirienna
(Guild Deputy - Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and Associated Trades)

Sator Square was, as you will all know, filled almost to the brim with tables. Most were covered by divers items pertaining to this thing you might call Terrymania.
The table right across from the entrance, however, whas not. Instead, it was manned by a man known as Jonny Nexus, and stacked high with copies of his first bookthe man himself, and portray a divine r0leplaying game - divine

Con Report The Third, and The Hunter

The last report of a Convention is always the hardest, because by nature it talks of the end, a finality, a closing.

But Discworld Conventions are not like that. They don't end, they merely sleep for a while, until the next time. And while they rest other Discworld things happen.
People who met at the Convention get to know each other more. Events get organised. Con members find the IRC chat channel, and join in and become involved in more Discworld-related things. Discworld children grow to become Discworld adults. Life becomes one long, slowed down Convention, taking place the whole world over.
So, mourn not the Convention. Rumours of its death were greatly exaggerated!

I worried about how to write this. I delayed, because I couldn't think how I could express my feelings. I could have extemporised on the superbness of the Hotel (It was very good, but with a little tweak or two it could be better).
I could have praised the ConCom (But why bother? They were brilliant. They are *always* brilliant. And so many people have told them in ways I never could.)
I could waffle on about how happy I was to meet new friends, to remeet old friends, to discover new Very Close Friends...but no...actually the best way I can finish the Con report is to quote two people who said it so much better than I ever could.

Sessifet: *My inner five-year-old is yelling "I don't wanna wanna GO HOME! I wanna wanna stay with the shiny people!"*

And Bruce, our esteemed ConCom chairman, who put into moving words my thoughts of oh so many years and so many conventions.

*When people hear I'm involved in Discworld, they say to me "For Gods sake, get a life!" Oh, if only they knew what a life I had, and it is all here, in this room!*
His voice broke, just a little, when he said that. And so did mine. For it is true. Whether or not The Man With The Hat intended to do so, he has drawn together a huge disparate group of people, from different countries, faiths, colours, social groups, and turned them all into a group of friends, a family. And that, to me, is the Discworld Fandom. My family. My friends. And long may it be so.

So, until the sleeping goliath that is The Discworld Convention wakes from its slumber next time, Thank you Terry. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Hunter

Seamstresses' Prizes

The Guild of Seamstresses awarded two prizes at the end of the con.

Richard of the Conjurers Guild won the 'Best Customer' prize. (A shopping bag with the words 'I've been stitched up by the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Seamstresses' on it.)

Judith of the Teachers Guild won the prize at the Double Entendre Olympics. (A tapestry of the Seamstress Guild's logo with the word WINNER above it in red.)

Thanks to everybody who took part!

Photo links

A quick and dirty list of links to sets of photographs - this will be cleaned up and categorised over the next couple of weeks as more links come in (you can subscribe to the RSS feed for the group/pages and get notifications if you wish).

You can additionally send links in to pictures@dwcon.org for adding here now until we have a
more structured page:

http://groups.google.co.uk/group/dwcon_org_2008/web/photo-links

Karen/hypatia

Prizes!

A quick list of the main prize winners as announced at the Closing Ceremony - more prizes and links to follow!

Prizes, Prizes, Prizes!



Karen/hypatia, still half asleep...

Reasons to be Cool

As part of this year's Guild effort, all members of the Convention were supplied with a number of Tokens of Appreciation (or TOAs) that they could fill out and present to a deserving fellow attendee.

Many big and high-profile cool things happening at the Convention but we wanted to find a way to allow recognition and "rewarding" of the smaller, more personal cool things that are also a big part of what makes Discworld Conventions so much fun - the TOAs were a way of achieving this.

So, if another convention member did something cool that made your day just that little bit more happy, even (especially!) if it was only something simple like making you smile at the right moment or being a creative participant in some event, you could fill in a TOA and let them know one-to-one.

If the receiver was actively participating in the Guilds they could then hand in the TOAs they had collected to the Monks of Cool and earn their Guild a (small) number of points in the Guild competition.

An unexpected advantage of this setup was that with a couple of hundred of TOAs thus ending up in the Monks' Inbox, we were able to get a pretty good idea of the sort of things that people had found worthy of Appreciation.

Here is a small selection of representative TOA quotes:

• "For... dancing the Flamenco"
• "For... an enlightening bathunt"
• "For... doing the Beastiary"
• "For... being blue"
• "For... education on the subject of mathematics"
• "For... babysitting my stuff while I went to get a power cable"
• "For... Orangogram"
• "For... violence and pushing"
• "For... good singing of songs"
• "For... making me laugh so much; loved my 1st con"
• "For... nice dress"
• "For... 'name the dragon'"
• "For... room 3b"
• "For... feeding the queue"
• "For... gallantry in extreme circumstances"
• "For... cursing the ATM"
• "For... wonderful Toast and Jam"
• "For... one of the most vampish costumes I've ever seen"
• "For... bringing me to the DW con again cos it's so much fun"
• "For... walking around with a sack with a foot sticking out"
• "For... serenading me"
• "For... refereeing the live Thud match"
• "For... great singing and oooking"
• "For... anti-Nac Mac Feegle charm"
• "For... blanket for pet snake"
• "For... making an alchemist explode"
• "For... wish stones and helicopter"
• "For... persuasive recruiting"
• "For... tupenny upright"
• "For... sociability & general kindness"
• "For... death by chocolate"
• "For... assassination contract - fulfilled"
• "For... knowing his hymenoptera"
• "For... buying me a drink"
• "For... bananas!"
• "For... double entendre olympics"
• "For... a very exciting massage"
• "For... spontaneous tap dancing"
• "For... trying to fix my camera"
• "For... the funky broom piccie"
• "For... handing out chocolate goodies. yum."

Death by Chocolate - Take 2

After some conventioneers were struck down by food poisoning attributed to the Chocolate Tasting Competition* Terry was heard to say,
"You poisoned four out of eighty? That's just not even trying."

To those who were unwell, all my sympathies, to those who survived unscathed, the scores ranged from two to 11 successful identifications, with the most common being six.

The only chocolate successfully identified by all entrants was the Lindt Chilli, the only one never identified correctly was Harrods Belgian Chocolate

Many thanks to all who took part, and left enough chocolate to give presents to the wonderful hotel staff.

Chris Boote

*Now renamed the Lady Lucrezia da Quirm Memorial Wine and Arsenic Party

Limericks

Lots of people asked about my limericks after they were mentioned in the closing ceremony so;

The Reduced Discworld

The Colour of Magic

A tourist in Ankh is at risk
With Rincewind as guide it's quite brisk
To travel the world
Until they are hurled
In a bronze fish-shaped ship off the disk

The Light Fantastic

Rincewind's got a spell in his head
So others now all want him dead
The spell knows what it's doing
And gets cast so A'Tuin's
baby turtles hatch from the star red

Equal Rites

Eskarina's a wizard, AND witch
So as trainee to Granny she's hitched
She runs off to UU
And staves off the hoodoo
By NOT doing magic (neat switch!)

Mort

Apprenticed to Death (with his scythe)
Is an odd way to work out your life
After a major disaster
He makes up with his master
And takes Ysabella to wife

Sourcery

Coin is a sourcerous lad
Though ruled by his death-cheating Dad
Wizards make a great din
Even Rincewind joins in
But we're saved when Coin's dad calls him bad

Wyrd Sisters

It's Shakespeare, with witches and kings
And a play with Death in the wings
Granny flies (despite fears)
The kingdom sleeps for years
And the Jester steps into the ring

Pyramids

Pteppic's called back to his home
Where the customs make him feel alone
But twisted up time
Puts his life on the line
'Til he kills a great tomb made of stone

Guards! Guards!

A dragon swoops down from above
The Guards, led by Vimes, get the shove
But Carrot arrests it
After young Errol bests it
Then they fly off together, in love!

FaustEric

With a Bang, our Rincewind is back
Taking Eric to see all he lacks
From Creation to End
Then Hell's steps descend
But they escape through a door in the back

Moving Pictures

Holywood magic's in town
Turning UU upside down
Victor's a new star
Gaspode will go far
And the Girl and Beast tumble down

Reaper Man

To Death Windle Poons cannot pass
'Cos Death is out mowing the grass
While the Auditors try
To make our Death die
The wizards go out and kick arse!

Witches Abroad

The witches are all in a tizz
They're off on some Creole-based biz
There's trouble about
It's the stories, no doubt
Then Lilly knows not who she is

Small Gods

Brutha thinks he's going to hell
His god has come back – with a shell
After a torturing session
Om learns a lesson
Belief must bind the Gods as well

Lords and Ladies

The Fair Folk are back with a plan
To capture a small bit of land
They antagonise Nanny
Infuriate Granny
And Magrat stands up for her man

Men At Arms

Edward De'ath was quite mad
And stole the Gonne, what a lad!
Then he went round the bend
But we find out in the end
The worst King would be Good, and not Bad

Soul Music

The music took over Imp Y
To channel its strange mystery
After seeing the coach burnt
Susan has now learnt
That some things must be left to be

Interesting Times

For Cohen and Rincewind it's rough
To take Agatea is tough
It all seems to go wrong
They're threatened by Hong
Then the Barking Dog coughs, that's enough

Maskerade

Poor Agnes must stand in the wings
While the Phantom applies deadly stings
To Opera folk at whim
Only Granny can stop him
And at last, the fat lady sings

Feet of Clay

The golems created a King
Vetinari near death's hovering.
What was the reason?
A lamp made of poison!
Vimes sheds the light on some things

Hogfather

The Fat Man is suddenly gone
Death and Albert their red robes must don
Teatime's the man
For the Auditors plan
But Susan makes sure life goes on

Jingo

Those Klatchian bounders, egad!
Run by their Sultan, the Cad
We set sail for Klatch
It ends in a match
When the island sinks no one is sad

The Last Continent

We're all off to Oz, Oh my Gawd!
The Faculty chaps are aboard
It's all rather tragic
But after Rain Magic
Rincewind finally gets his reward

Carpe Jugulum

The King has invited a bunch
Of Vampires for a christening lunch
The Magpyres are canny
But no match for Granny
They won't be back, I've a hunch

The Fifth Elephant

Werewolves want to rule by fang
The dwarves have elected their King
Vimes must solve mysteries
Of thefts and old histories
And a game of fetch ends with a bang

The Truth

Movable print has arrived
How will Ankh-Morpork ever survive
Against Vetinari, a plot
By the papers is shot
And a free press continues to thrive

Thief of Time

A clock made of glass isn't good
So off must go sweeper and Ludd
To rebuild the continuum
Susan flirts with Time's son
And you know that she would, if she could!

Night Watch

Poor Vimes was in a bad fight
Now he's dropped back 30 years out of sight
A quick substitution,
In the Glorious revolution
He still manages to do what is right

Monstrous Regiment

The girlies are all off to war
But just what are they fighting for?
Jackrum's a rascal
And makes a truce in the castle
But can they make sure that peace reigns once more?

Going Postal

The Ankh Morpork post is not great
(some letters are 40 years late)
A con man is knowing
How to get it all going
And the Clacks are now owned by the State

Thud!

A dwarf has been killed in the mud
A Troll teaches Vimes to play Thud
The Dark is all raged up
But Vimes keeps it caged up
A watchman right down to his blood

Making Money

Lipwig's got bored with his job
So with bankers he must now hob nob
But what's to be done
When the gold is all gone?
Golems will now do the job!

Chris Boote, Gopher, Watchman, dressed troll and no longer a Dyskhead (hooray!)

Random Quotes

"The coffee is not a substitute for sheep." -- Gabe of the Watch

"You'll have to step over the recumbent goth." -- the Brian half of Ops

"Toast and Jam, the most fun you can have with your cassock on." -- Countertony

During games of Werewolf:

"First you're wanting me to go away, now you're arguing that I'm cute." -- Snow

"Only Leo would ask for reasoned argument from a lynch mob." -- Jennifer

"I think the Werewolves are trying to put suspicion on me." -- a player
"That's a good place for it!" -- Esmeraldus

Moving Pictures by the Reduced Discworld Company

Directed by John Hicks, this production was able to use some costumes and props from his recent production for KATS, and one could tell a lot of work had gone into practising different accents and magnifying certain voices.

As ever, Tim Williams was a reliable leading man, capturing the naivety and dashing heroism of Victor, while Jacqui Lawrence as Ginger had the right standoffishness together with the glamour - in several clinging dresses.

They were ably backed by a large cast of whom I shall mention Kate Oldroyd as Gaspode, Richard Atha-Nicholls as CMOT Dibbler, Tony Perkins as Silverfish and Josh Mace doubling as Death and Oswald. Detritus' rocky grey costume was outstanding.

The adaptation cleverly reduced the text to a core of key scenes, and some of the action had to be narrated when it couldn't be shown, especially Nobby and Colon describing the 50-foot woman and the librarian - which we also briefly saw.

The play ended with a clinch between Ginger and Victor, and that Holy Wood magic lingered even longer for a marriage proposal and acceptance between two of the supporting cast during the curtain call!

Jesca Yates

Photo: Robert "Otto" Flach

The Folklore of Discworld

Jacqueline Simpson, who with Terry is co-author of The Folklore of Discworld, selected some major examples of the connection between Roundworld and Discworld folklore.

Discworld often takes literally what in our world is regarded as superstition. Terry and Jackie have both expressed regret that so much British folklore is disappearing from our culture and Terry has found via fan mail that people don't always understand his folklore references. This new book sets out to explain some of them.

Jacqueline spoke of Whinny Moor, and the connection between the gnarly ground in Carpe Jugulum and the old ballad The Lyke-Wake Dirge. She spoke of narrativium and how a strong idea on Earth penetrates to Discworld, for example, Hwel receives particles of plays by Shakespeare and others.

Jacqueline told us that the traditional witch's garb of pointy hat and black robe came in very late. In early modern woodcuts they wear ordinary peasant clothes. In 1762 Hogarth drew a cartoon on Superstition in which a preacher holds a model of a witch with hat and broomstick. So where did he get the idea? From Discworld, perhaps...

She then spoke of good or white witches and cunning men, who were real village people.
Terry and Jackie had discovered additional links of which they were previously unaware such as in the case of the witch's "shamble" or magical cat's cradle. In Germany a cat's cradle is called Das Hexenspiel or "The Witch's Game".

We heard that the story of Leshp is based on sailors' stories about landing on a whale and thinking it's an island. Jacqueline had also found a reference to the whale in a medieval bestiary, described as aspido chelone or aspido testudo, thus equating the whale with a turtle!

Waterstones had secured agreement to bring along pre-release copies of Jacqueline's book to Sator Square. These sold like hotcakes and many members have left with a whole new collection of annotations signed by a very engaging author.


Jesca Yates

A Wizard's Report - Monday

Junior Klatch: Ah, that most wonderful event, the Junior Klatch. I have had the privilege of sitting through two of these now due to having kids (this is not a reason to have kids by the way, it is merely a very nice bonus).

For those not in the know, the kids ask questions which Terry then answers, displaying his impressive repertoire of stories and anecdotes. All too soon, the time vanished and indeed, we overran a little, but it was worth it for all concerned.

Professor Stewart's Cabinet of Mathematical Curiosities: When not being a Wizard of Unseen University, I am, at heart, a pure mathematician with a penchant for messing about with computers and a comic twist of mind. Having this essential background, I have a love for all things daft and otherwise related to that most fabulous of subjects. I was, therefore, looking forward to this talk more than almost any other within the convention as it tugs at things within me that usually stay buried beneath a thin veneer of sanity and real life. I was not disappointed. Stewart presented many fabulous items rapidly, some of which I recognised, others that made me wonder whether I should actually look into them at some point in the future.

Reduced Discworld Company: Ah, yes. There were some very twitchy watchmen by the time the company were ready for us to get into the Dysk and watch the play. There had been some last minute items that needed to be sorted and this meant that it was running a touch late. In fairness to the people waiting, they were very patient and understanding and mostly figured that there was no way they could miss the closing ceremony since it was being held in the same room.

Once everyone was in and the lights went down we were treated to a rendition of Moving Pictures, done with the style and panache we have come to expect from this item in the schedule.

At the end of this piece, there was a surprise item for one of the ladies in the cast which was roundly applauded from all concerned. Our congratulations go to the both of them and we wish them all the best for their future.

Closing Ceremony: No!!! It cannot be the end!!! As with all good things (this is an odd phrase, since surely it should be "all things" rather than just the good ones) it must eventually come to an end. The speeches from the various people were moving and touching and it gives me great pleasure to bear witness to the various awards and mentions for those involved in making such an event happen. In amongst all of this, special mention must be made to the Unseen University Guild (WE WON!!!! As if this had ever been in doubt). Once the ceremony was over, we left, leaving Terry to clean up the stage behind us.

After a quiet period of contemplation over a pint (or less alcoholic beverages for Darpebble and Darwife), we finally left the convention with a song in our hearts, safe in the knowledge that there would be another convention in 2010.

Now the hard work of trying to return to normal life is required. I can put aside my pointy hat and hope that next time I am once again in the winning guild (2 out of 2 is pretty good by my reckoning). The Wizards of UU have agreed to try and stay in touch over the intervening period, so the hat may be off, but it certainly will not be forgotten and may just sneak out for an airing from time to time.

I hope your convention was as enjoyable an experience as mine has been. It is the people that make it what it is and they are simply brilliant.

Signing off for now,
Darrock (Wizard, 1st Class – Unseen University Guild)

Crossing the Newbiecon - a First Timer's View

I've been a Pratchett fan for years but I've never been to a Convention before, so it was with some nervousness that I approached the Birmingham Hilton on Friday afternoon. Would there be enough to do? Would I be bored? Would I end up sitting in a corner on my own?

As it turned out, of course, the answer to all these questions was a resounding: "No." The main problem I had wasn't finding something to do, it was choosing which events to go to. Candle making or discussion of Terry Pratchett's literary merits? 'Create Your Own Religion' or 'How to Buckle a Swash'? The Folklore Society or Alfred Russell Wallace? Next time I'm going to have to bring a procrastinator so I can fit everything in. As to sitting alone, I've met friends I haven't seen for years, friends I've never met face to face before and friends I didn't know existed until this weekend.

Highlights of my weekend were Terry's Bedtime Stories, alt.fan.pratchett's Hedgehog Party on Saturday night (and Sunday morning), the Maskerade, the Church of Om, Jaqueline Simpson's talk on the folklore of the Discworld and the short but interesting (and hilarious) history of the Vikings in Britain (How To Buckle A Swash). But the thing I'll remember most is the sheer amount of fun being had by everyone I saw.

As a final note, I'd like to thank the Con committee and the staff of the Hilton hotel, who made it a memorable and enjoyable experience for this particular convention newbie.

Diane L.
Guild of Explorers, Librarians and Wandering Teachers

Death By Chocolate

They always say when there has been a murder it's often a close family member and in the case of the contract taken out on my son, they are right. At the age of seven, my now 14 year old son developed a serious allergy to Chocolate. On that occasion he was rushed in to hospital because he had stopped breathing and so has avoided chocolate ever since. This gave me the perfect way to facilitate his demise at the hands of the Assassin's Guild. The reason - he's a 14 year old boy, I think that's reason enough. So after managing to lose my son, I made my secret rendevous with a beautiful young female assassin by the name of Tabby. We plotted and planned and decided that the pre-gala cocktails would be the perfect opportunity for her to slip my son some "chocolate laced" fruit pastilles (having cleared it with Ops and the MOC of course).

As the time drew closer, my excitement grew. Sitting at the table I watched as Tabby passed her tray of goodies to other people around us, then she offered one to my son and he popped one in his mouth. "Are you Mashus Altorus?" she asked. "You have just been assassinated". I would gladly have paid double the 2 Million AMD that it had cost me to see the thrill on his face as he realised it was me that had taken out the contract! I handed him the death's head ring I had bought him to commemorate the day of his death and we thanked Tabby for her wonderful service as she read out his contract.

Shortly after this we were sitting enjoying our dessert at the Gala dinner, when it was pointed out to my son that the base of the mousse he was eating looked a little too dark to be plain sponge. Had the assassins struck for real this time? The waitress was called over and asked. She callled the head waitress, who went to speak to the chef. Sure enough, the sponge contained the fatal cocoa and my son was over half way through it. Yet he was still breathing. It would seem that to a certain extent my son's terrible allergy has lessened. Was the assassination both kill and cure? He is still breathing now, and we shall be doing some further controlled tests, and if he has outgrown this allergy, he will always remember the day he found out.

Mashus then went on to have an official photo taken with his young assassin and has her Facebook details - I think he plans to haunt her!

Pam Martin

Bri Tze - Deja Vu

As people may remember, at the 2006 Convention, Brian D took to the stage in Maskerade as Bri Tze (to thunderous applause). What people now know, is that he was pounced on afterwards by the nascent 2008 Committee to be the poster boy for the next Convention.

Some may also remember that he received a special place in a Kaffee Klatch with Terry at the 2006 DWCon because he'd arranged some major surgery to happen after the Con!

Well, this is the History Monks' convention (where it's all about time), but it does seem rather "quantum" that history has repeated itself.

After one of Bri's routine checkups, the tests came back as positive that the cancer had returned. There followed weeks of more tests, some sounding positively painful (Reporter's Note - although Bri does assure me that they weren't as bad as they sounded). With results in hand, his consultant recommended more surgery and Bri agreed, adding that it MUST NOT HAPPEN between 21/08/08 or 26/08/08.

Everything was set ready for the operation on Wednesday 13th August. Bri turned up only to be told that they were unable to do the operation as his medication should have been stopped and had nobody told him so!! (The History Monks strike again!). Needless to say, the offer of a date over the Con was refused and his new date was set for 03/09/08.

So, luckily for us, Bri was able to attend DWCon 2008 and took part in the Opening Ceremony, reprising his role as Lu Tze, and leading the Monks in Saffron to save the ceremony.

He's enjoying himself so far (Reporter's Note -I caught up with him on Saturday). The Opening Ceremony was a lot of fun to do and he enjoyed the extended reading at Terry's Bedtime Story. He summed up Nation as "an allegory on how people should get along".

One of the best things that has happened to him so far though this year was the birth of his grand-daughter Charly (his lady Beth's 1st grandchild) - although the Con comes close!

Ssirienna of the Conjuror, Thespians, & Associated Trades' Guild

Photo: Robert "Otto" Flach

Just a Minute (An InterGuild Extravaganza hosted by the Conjurors et al)

Earlier today, an appreciative and knowledgeable audience were treated
to a fast and furiously contested game of Just a Minute. The Host
(Torak) welcomed representatives from 5 Guilds (Small Gods, Wandering
Teachers, Witches, Seamstresses and Conjurors).

The topics ranged from "The Relevance of Bees", through "More Tea,
Vicar" to "Smiting" and of course "How to find a Man in a Hat". A
substitution of Witch for Seamstress was allowed after it was revealed
Periwinkle was required elsewhere (muttering something about "stuffing
sausages") and the Small Gods reincarnated a total of 3 times!

After a wonderfully fought battle the Conjurors emerged victorious,
although best counter challange must go to Marlies (one of the Witch
Deputies) who when challenged in her part of "More Tea, Vicar" that
they may prefer coffee and become annoyed to be offered tea, remarked
"A Vicar would never be so impolite to refuse such a gesture!"

Final scores:

Conjurors - 26 (260) points
Wandering Teachers - 24 (240) points
Small Gods - 13 (130) points
Witches - 05 (100) points
Seamstresses - 02 ( 40) points

It was felt that as both the Seamstresses and Witches didn't have the
same amount of time, their scores were doubled. All points go to the
respective Guilds.

A further game of Just A Minute (post watershed!) will occur in the
bar tonight.

Not Quite A Newbie

Well... two years ago, I went to the DWcon because I thought it would
quite possibly be heaven to be around "my sort of people".

Instead, I ended up using the convention as a staging ground for my
first real life meeting with my, at the time, long distance
relationship boyfriend.

So like I tell anyone who asks: "No, this isn't my first time, but
it's ok, I wasn't paying attention last time.".

Now that I am paying attention, however, THIS IS BRILLIANT.

I'm in Birmingham, the town where my ex actually lives. I should be
either depressed or pining or something (we broke up two weeks ago),
but I'm actually so happy it's not even funny.

Discworld people are everything I thought they would be - Odd, easy
going and beyond friendly.

I'm knee-deep in guild work... I went to church in the morning (I'm
Jewish, though)... I got up the nerve to tell Stephen Briggs how much
I admire his Vetinari impression... and in about 4 hours I'm going to
a Klatch with TP.

If I get run over on my way home, you wouldn't hear me complaining...
and not just because I'll be a smudge on the asphalt!

Ginny

(This Chronicle entry was brought to you by the Teachers, Explorers and
Librarians Guild.)

Spectacular Win by Biscuit at the Dragonraces!

In the eighth and final heat of yesterday's Dragon races, the Havelock Vetinari Mime Chase, Biscuit (running in lane four) took a spectacular win, leading the rest of the field by over two-thirds of the distance. Biscuit was ridden by a champion jockey from the Conjurer's Guild.

Commentators speculate that a contributing factor in Biscuit's phenomenal performance may have lain in the enthusiasm of his supporters, which must certainly have affected the spirits of the other competitors. For instance, one fan contracted the Guild of Assassins to inhume the other seven riders at the start of the race, which added a little additional excitement to the events.

The jovial, competitive atmosphere of the race was marred slightly by some unsporting behaviour in lane eight, where a number of bystanders jumped onto the track and assisted that dragon in getting down the field. We have been informed that an investigation has been started into whether this blatant interference was the action of an illegal Klatchian gambling ring backing the competitor in lane eight.

It is believed this gambling ring may also be behind the scandalous allegations of race-fixing levelled against the backers of Biscuit in lane four. The fact that some of the largest money-winners from that heat were members of Ops and the Watch surely means that the fairness of events is beyond doubt!

Thankfully these distasteful events did not overshadow the wonderful performance of Biscuit. Final payout came to three for one, and many happy faces were seen in the bar following the races. Brother Kai, a large sponsor of Biscuit, was seen chatting with senior members of the Guild of Assassins. Jos-Ops was displaying his new-found wealth and rearranging the furniture in the bar.

-- Newsdesk of the Guild of Assassins School Paper

Walk the Walk

For those who have not seen this before, the rules are as follows :

Each team has two people, a walker and a guide. The walker is
encumbered with a blindfold, oversize hat, shin pad and oversize
'hands'. The guide can only use sound to guide the walker while they
negotiate obstacles between a table of parcels and the post box.

15 teams took part. 2 from the Asssasins, 2 from the Alchemists, 3
from the Seamstresses, 2 from Small Gods, 1 from the Conjurors, 1 from
UU, 1 from the Witches and one team with no guild affiliation. There
were 2 combined teams. 1 from UU and the Conjurors and 1 from the
Teachers and Conjurors.

The time limit for each round was 2 minutes and a very close game
ensued with most teams achieving 2 parcels. There were several
incidents where the guide misjudged things and became trapped between
the walker and the wall to the great enjoyment of the audience.

The final winners were the Assassins team of Hamish and Fayd who moved
all 4 parcels and got back to the table within the 2 minute time
limit. Must be something to do with being used to working in the dark!

Special mention must be made of Kai who, despite being the youngest
walker, managed 2 parcels.

Thanks to everyone for making the first event I have run so enjoyable
and special thanks to Loriba who so ably assisted me.

Martyn Clapham

Life is a Maskerade

Being new to the convention, we had no idea what to expect from the Maskerade except for having delighted in seeing fellow attendees walking around in costume for much of the time since we had arrived. This was evidence enough that we were in for a treat, and the show did not let us down.

The event was compered by the incomparable Pat Harkin, a clever funny man who arrived script-less to ad lib through the evening to a chorus of duck noises from the audience and pantomime-reminiscent boos and hisses as he regaled us with tales of the green-light red-light scenario he was faced with from "Ops". Our guide was even awarded a commendation from the judges himself when half way through the performance, feeling time was going at a strange rate (as it unfortunately dragged between acts) he arrived at the podium as a far younger version of himself to rapturous applause.

The acts themselves were a surprising mix of family preparations, solo pieces worked carefully since the previous convention, complete with soundtrack and costume, and pieces pieced together on the spot by people who hadn't previously met. The judges' favourite was a piece adapted from the stage musical "Wicked" to fit the Discworld perfectly, but we were also treated to an exploding dragon, singing dwarfs, Otto the vampire-iconographer, Greebo the transforming cat, Ptraci the handmaiden as she belly-danced on stage. We watched in awe as Poi from the Land of Fog, and products from the Land of Avon were demonstrated to us. We wept with joy, cheered with adoration and laughed (mostly) on cue as the characters from the minds of Terry Pratchett were brought to life for us by the fans of Terry Pratchett.

After much deliberation, and a little more deliberation, and just to make sure, a final deliberation, keeping us waiting as long as a very large ball of string, we finally cheered in agreement with the judge's awards and made a hasty exit to the bar.

This was truly a delightful selection of the favourite characters of all the audience, and great fun was had by them as by us, with, I am sure, the seed for plenty ideas ready for the next convention.

Sarah Ganderton

Maskerade Review and Results

As ever, this was unique and memorable. Compere for the 1st time was Dr Pat Harkin, whose performance could become legendary as he complained that his red-green colour blindness would prevent him cueing the performers, battled with outbreaks of quacking and meowing, and even brought on a look-alike to see if we would notice.

The judges awarded Best in four categories plus extra prizes in their choice of category. Among the performers who did not win awards I was especially pleased by: the Duke of Sto Helit reading Susan's School report (she has no fear of the skeleton); the Dwarf singing The House of Rosie Palm; Perdita X singing with the Ghost; and the poem about the Convention read by William McGonnagle, to the backing of bagpipes.

Terry brought in the verdict of the judges, who were Stephen Briggs, Bernard Pearson, Bruce Richardson and Jackie Simpson.

Best Master: Brian Wakeling as Nigel the Destroyer (excellent monologue I thought).
Best Journeyman: Jacqui Lawrence as Magrat putting on her armour.
Best Novice: David Kennedy as Definitely Not a Nac MacFeegle
Best Rookie: Jan Ward in "Oops", portraying a dragon waking up, feeding & belching.

Special Awards:

From Stephen Briggs - Jennie Austin as Ptraci the bellydancer
From Bernard and Bruce - Hurtubise Family as Lancre Royal Family Portrait
From Terry and Jackie - The Assassins Sword Dance

Best in Show, by unanimous decision, was Beth Delaney whose sketch was entitled "Defying Gravity" and who portrayed a witch about to fly on her broomstick. She sang a self-composed song based on the musical "Wicked".

Jesca Yates

Photo: Ingo Korb

Wizard's Dragon Racing Triumph!

The wizards emerged triumphant last night after an evening's entertainment, dragon racing with the elite of Ankh-Morpork society.

Due to a noble decision to resist cheating via both mundane and magical means, the Unseen University's representatives in the races lost every event due to questionable racing practices by the lesser guilds.

A faculty member in the crowd who decided to take part in one race was quoted as despondently saying "Ook."

However, the last laugh was had by the wizards, whose insightful betting resulted in the most money won by any single organisation.

When asked, Archchancellor Ridcully modestly said "Of course we won. We're wizards."

He did have some thoughts on the newly acquired winnings too. "It's a lot of money, and that brings responsibilities. For starters, we now need someone to be responsible for turning the Beggar's Guild away from the door."

Peter Rolph

Staying Up Late at the Discworld Convention

I was assured at the bar when ordering my umpteenth pint of scrumpy that it is tradition for a representative few to still be in the bar when the sun comes up the next morning.

Well, not being one to shrink in the face of a challenge, I joined the general hubbub of Discworld regulars and novices alike, as a sing-along began. The best (and of course the worst) of British folk, British and American pop and rock classics, Disney originals, blues, jazz and songs from the musicals, were aired and destroyed, until in the wee small hours of what was no longer Saturday night but had become Sunday morning we even resorted to opera.

Everyone joined in: young and old, the tuneful and the not so; vampires, seamstresses, witches; writer and readers alike. Then as each musician abandoned us to their dreams, the music or instruments changed until there was no instrument at all, the didgeridoo was removed by security, and there were only a small selection of musical books for inspiration.

But by then we had already sung all we could reasonably recall, and had sung or drunk away most of the tunefulness of our voices, so the evening turned to bad jokes badly told. And as the
jokes became steadily worse the sun came up and the tradition was fulfilled.

I can happily report that there were definitely people still awake from the night before when the morning after breakfast goers were arriving downstairs. In the spirit of accurate reporting, I was there to make sure of it. I was of course absent from much of the next day's scheduled events as a result but the convention is not all about the events - as wonderful as they are. We have to remember, as well, that we are part of an important community, and that this convention is an opportunity to meet not only the writer we all know and love, but also his other disciples from places far and wide, from all walks of life, and to experience the new friendship opportunities all around us.

Here's to the Discworld convention, and all who sail in her.

Sarah Ganderton

Discworld Convention Report The Second, and The Hunter

It is a fact self-evident that Stephen Briggs is the Patrician. Like
the chicken and egg conundrum we will probably never know which came
first (it was the egg, by the way), but Havelock Vetinari and Mr
Briggs are, and will always be, one and the same person.

This leads, at Convention times, to certain traditions. Being a keen
observer of people I tend to notice things, and it is hard not to
notice Stephen at a convention. Firstly he projects, purely through
his mannerisms, his expressions, his personality, the image of a man
who is supremely confident in whatever he does, because he knows that
he is always absolutely right. I really have no idea whether this is
Stephen or Havelock, but the effect causes the second reason Stephen
is easy to notice. He attracts Young Ladies like a Sun attracts
passing planets.

Last night, whilst sat in the bar area of the Convention hotel,
chatting with my friends, I noticed that Terry and Stephen, post Gala
Dinner, were sat at the table next to me. I usually try and avoid The
man With The Hat, because he has a lot of people trying to share his
time with him, he almost certainly has things to arrange and needs
time to think, and frankly I am probably likely to fall over my own
feet and then make bleating noises, because I admire the man, and I am
an idiot when confronted with the great and the good. However, we
stayed, and as the evening developed I noticed something that had me
chuckling quietly to myself.

Sat opposite Terry was Stephen. Sat beside Stephen were...numerous
Young Ladies. Sat behind Stephen were yet more Young Ladies. Sat in
front of Stephen, further Young Ladies.Within 40 minutes the table had
acquired a second ring of chairs, all occupied by Young Ladies. Then
another layer. Like Saturn, Stephen was developing orbital rings...it
was spectacular. A Young lady would wander past, heading Lord knows
where, and suddenly she'd return, chair in hand, and Stephen had
another orbiting Heavenly Body.

And this is the other thing. The bodies were, each and every one,
heavenly. There was far more exposed flesh on display, in brief
costumes, corsets, dresses, strapless evening gowns, gownless evening
straps, than is good for a man at gone midnight. I have a good working
knowledge of physics, and of the calculation of stresses on materials,
and for that matter the mathematical formulae for simple volume
calculations. It occurred to me, as one impressively corsetted bosom
heaved, that the mathematics of the acreage of bosom exposed in that
one area required fractal mathematics, and a total rewrite of the
Mandelbrot set. Quantum was the only thing between Stephen and a huge
Wardrobe Malfunction which would, at the very least, had someone's eye
out.

The second thing I noticed was a side-effect of the corsetry and
magnetism of Mr Briggs. Two waiters arrived at the table to clear the
inevitable glasses and bottles. They probably know as much about
Discworld and its attendant celebrities as I know about wombat
breeding. At the table was a man of immense charisma, and a huge
following. Clearly, therefore, this man was the Guest of Honour. As a
result they cleared the glasses and bottles, with difficulty, all the
time discussing the stunning collection of Bosom (River Deep, Mountain
High, as Terry himself described it) over the head of some balding
grey-haired chap with a beard, entirely unaware that they were
dripping second-hand lager down the neck of Mr Pratchett.

The Hunter

Where did the weekend go?

I can't believe it's Monday already! The last couple of days have passed so quickly and enjoyably. I haven't been to as many programme items as I expected to but it's been great seeing so many people having so much fun. The hotel has been great; the staff are very friendly - the lady who served me my tea in the bar as I sat down to write this was moved to comment how pleasant she found the convention attendees - 'softly spoken and down to earth' as well. I blushed on behalf of the membership at the compliment :-)

How To Buckle A Swash

We were treated to a concise history of warfare, from Viking conquests to the those of the Normans invading Britain in 1066. A fine narrator (Orjan) read the historical facts as a humorously little-rehearsed am-dram production carried on behind him to highlight his main points. A toy horse on a pole that "Nieghed" when rode, certainly put a light-hearted twist on the sword and axe wielding bloodshed going on, and at one point, the audience screamed as cuddly toys were thrown at a man with a very big axe to show how the other side were unable to pass him where he stood.

We were further treated to demonstrations of the correct way to wield the weapons used by the amateur dramatists. Importantly we learned not to scratch our bums with our broadsword, watch our backs with wielding a large unwieldy axe, and to beware of our legs when dressed in helmet and chainmail to the knees behind a shield that exposes only our ankles.

And just as the treats were coming to the end, another group dashed to the front to offer us a demonstration of fencing, with the swords, protective clothing and face guards they just happened to have brought with them to the convention for just such an opportunity.

We watched, enthralled, as the fencers danced about before us, clanking metal, and sweating buckets to instruct us in the health benefits and tactical know how involved in this interesting sport. I wonder if there were any converts from the exercise.. it did look fun.

Sarah Ganderton

Disc Is Your World

In the format of a well-known television show, Terry arrived on stage to be surprised with friends and colleagues as his guests to tell us a little more about the man we all adore.

But as Bruce tried to conduct proceedings, he just couldn't stop Terry Pratchett talking long enough for his guests to tell tales about him. This was perhaps purposefully done by the man distrusting of his friends, but was certainly interesting as Terry regaled us with anecdote upon tale upon yarn about people who have written to him asking for favours and failed to write back to thank him for them.

Those guests we "met" were the lucky few fans who have since become integral to his work, Rob his PA, Colin his agent, Bernard who produces the Discworld figurines, Stephen who brings alive the Discworld on stage, as well as on maps, and Ian and Jack, his mad scientists, who delight in delving into fiction as he delights in delving into their science, as they provide the facts and figures that hold the Discworld together.

It was a delightful evening, essential viewing for any new fans who haven't had the opportunity to meet the rest of the team previously, and who will now recognise the important people throughout the convention, we were treated to so many stories from the man himself, and when they could get a word in, the guests who had joined him on stage, and the event was all thoroughly entertaining.

Sarah Ganderton

Photo: Robert "Otto" Flach

Assassination and obituary package page 2...

The Guild of Assassins announce the completion of a contract against Mashus Altorus.

The terms of the contract were as follows: the assassination of said Mashus Altorus for being a typical 14 year old son to be carried out during the pre-gala cocktail party; the price for this contract was set at AM$2,000,000 and one token of appreciation.

The assassination was carried out at 7:23pm during cocktail hour whilst the victim sat amongst his family at a table full of people. Assassin Tabby carried out this assassination of "Death by Chocolate" by disguising herself as a convention gopher and passing round a plateful of sweets to all at the table.

Waiting for the victim to eat and swallow his chosen sweet, she pointed out to him that the goodies actually contained chocolate, a substance to which the victim was known to be allergic. Tabby read out his contract as the poor lad died from awful allergy related swellings, chokings, and eventual cramping pains.

pp Lord Downey

Thud!

A book based on a game based on a war, based on a book, based on a game. Which ever came first, Thud the game is a playable board game available now in the dealers hall) and a lively spectators sport. The game is a re-enactment of the war in Koom Valley between the Trolls and the Dwarfs, with contentious issues in legend on either side about what actually happened and who might have won, if either side ever truly "wins" a war.

On this occasion, the game was played out on a life-sized board with actual people as the dwarfs and trolls, though obviously they weren't actual trolls and dwarfs, because that would have just led to too much bloodshed for the hotel staff to cope with.

The board is set up with 8 trolls in the centre, with 32 dwarfs around the outside of the board. Each race has a different method of movement around the board and different rules about what or who or how many of the opposite team they can "kill" at one time, and the strategic game is played a little like Roundworld's chess, but on a differently shaped board.

A battle of wits ensued, as the two people who seemed to know all the rules shouted out instructions to team members about who should move where and "kill" whom, and a cheer erupted from the appropriate team all around the board as the opposition was decimated.

The game is traditionally played twice, with the players swapping pieces for the second game, and on this occasion the final result was one-all.

Sarah Ganderton

Chaos Costuming

The room really was in chaos: piles of assorted fabric strewn across the floor, helpful assistants struck dumb by the chewiest toffee in the world, and a "seamstress" with tales of recent "massages" in various positions.

A delightful interlude from the convention between scheduled events, though part of the convention in as much as the Chaos room is next to Ops, I wandered in on the off chance thatsomeone could help me make a witch's hat. Someone did offer me help, and point me in the right general direction but I was soon left to my own devices amongst the pile of oddments.

I negotiated the last remaining still operating sewing machine (though I almost broke it in my haste, and got glue all over everything whilst laughing at the sudden swarm of "Maskeraders" and theatrical extras in dire need of costumes for various projects, as they quipped and quoted and parodied each other, either in or out of character, it was hard to tell but highly amusing.

The whole experience was a wonderfully theatrical chaotic industrious place full of fabric and fables and glue.

Sarah Ganderton

Where's My Cow - The West End Show

Davina introduced the show. As he was about to begin, the Feegles appeared, one after another, looking a little stage-struck. They wanted to help do the show! Surely this was a risk even this daring producer would not risk? He did, and the consequences were only to be expected I'm afraid.

The Feegles did, initially, appear to be assisting. Bat, Pen, Harry and the rest all assisted in making sure that the animals involved in the show presented themselves in a timely manner and then rapidly moved away again – exactly where they went after the show has not been discovered, which may hamper any future attempts at the show. However, there were drinks around – Davina insists that he has no idea how the Feegles got hold of those – and things rapidly degenerated.

The Feegles started to steal the show from under Davina and things came to a head when they stole the Cow at the end of the story and turned it into hamburgers. Shortly after this the script was swiped and in the end, only the Death of Feegles could stop the chaos.

Davina's performance aside, the Feegles all performed admirably under limited direction and managed a performance worthy of the applause that they undoubtedly failed to hear, having legged it sharpish.

Many thanks to Davina, Death, Death Jnr, Harry, Bat, Pen and Princess for an entertaining show. I apologise profusely if I have missed any cast members, but due to the time at the end of the show (and the nature of Nac Mac Feegles), I was unable to ensure that I got all the names of the Feegles involved in the show.

Darrock (Wizard, 1st Class – Unseen University Guild).

A Wizard's Report – Day 2 Sunday

To avoid any confusion as to which day it is, the title of this report has been altered. We, the editors, regret any confusion bought about by previous stupidity on the part of Darrock and have ensured that Darrock got the clip round the ear that he deserved.

Ouch! Ok, so it's Sunday. After a brief, interrupted by small cries for food, night of rest, we returned to the venue. Let's get straight into the madness.

The Church of Om: Having missed the Wake Up with Wizards event at 7.30 in the morning (who are those Wizards getting up at that time… must be students who have not gone to bed yet), we arrived in time to join in with the service. This was an event that I had been privileged enough to see last year and which was even better second time around. The singing, the sermons, the revelations at the end and even the venue were superb for the event and I joined in whenever I could catch breath from laughing. If you missed this, you missed a real treat, along with of course inviting the wrath of Om.

Bernard Pearson's Passive Smoking for Beginners: On my way to swashbuckling, I noticed a queue… This queue was outside of the Dysk and I was under the impression, having carefully read my timetable, that it was not in use this hour. After making enquiries of someone in the queue, I discovered, to my horror, that Bernard's event had been moved forward!!!!! I flipped a coin and prayed for guidance from Om and was led to join this queue.

I am incredibly glad that I did. Bernard is a very charismatic person and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to him talk about all kinds of things. With thoughts of Bernard with ladies underwear on the outside of jeans and the incredibly hush, hush trade cards that we're not allowed to mention yet, I left with a huge smile.

Puppet Show: Having returned from Bernard's rather sooner than expected, I went off to view the puppet show. Since I have written a review of this show elsewhere, I will omit it from here.

Stephen Briggs Masterclass: I was not certain quite what this event would entail. As it turned out, it involved a discussion about the trials and tribulations of creating the maps of Ankh Morpork and the Discworld. Stephen spoke eloquently regarding how they went about constructing the cityscape that, up until that time, had only ever been in Terry's head. This challenge was not at all straightforward and I was incredibly impressed at the time and energy spent in creating such a detailed work.

Find the Time: Some friendly folks had spent some time (excuse the pun) creating a treasure hunt round the Discworld corridors of the hotel. Darpebble and I spent a frustrating, confusing and eventually rewarding time wandering the corridors in search of piccies. We did manage to get them all (Darpebble: I found the last one daddy!) and arrived back in the Cavern with seconds to spare to receive our just rewards – a laminated picture and a chocolate treat for Darpebble.

Sex on the Disc: Harrumph, harrumph. Less said about this the better. Some wickedly funny jokes and a lot of entertaining discussions regarding whether a Nac Mac Feegle society could exist. Good fun had by all concerned.

Dealers' Room: Wow, I managed to find half an hour to wander around the spectacular stalls in the dealers' room. It always amazed me that people can produce such fine pieces of work, some of which is Discworld related, some of which is not.


That's it for day 2 Sunday. More tomorrow, although obviously the schedule is somewhat shorter for the last day of the Con.

Darrock (Wizard, 1st Class – Unseen University Guild).

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - News Bulletin No 6 (or thereabouts)

We dared, we showed, we conquered!

Despite the many threats uttered to guild members just out of hearing
these past few days, the great Troll Dress-Tease went without a hitch ...

Two huge mountain trolls had been volunteered to titilate a huge crowd
that could only be measured in the ones! The guild is gratified at the
polite interest shown by the sporting public at this event and is
considering repeats as soon as the participants have been revived.

The seamstresses guild is said to contemplate the formation of a
stonemasons' lodge.

Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades - This is what they think ...

The Worshipful Guild of Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades has
sent forth its crack team of enforcement officials to engage with our
lovely audience and extract tokens of their esteem and appreciation in
the form of quotes they are prepared to stand by. So without further
ado, this is what you have thought, so far, of our guild's efforts[1] to
entertain you:

It's been more fun than a barrel full of mackerel – and it leaves a
better taste in your mouth - Dave "No, The Other One" Hill

Where's the mustard? - Silas "No The Other One" Firefly

South of the river guv'nor, this time o'night, you must be joking! - Taxi

More intoxicating than a week spend drinking scumble. Although the
hangover is nearly as bad. - Amy-Rose "Plum" Offord

Om loves you – would you like a pamphlet? -
Smite-The-Unbeliever-With-Cunning-Arguments

Fanfriggingtastic! - Hilde

Lots of nice people. Great Con, but I do miss more Discworld oriented
programs. - Pernille

!!!!!! - Anette

Who needs sleep anyway? - Uwe

Better than being poked in the eye with a blunt stick, but then many
things are. - Ricarda

A very special occasion. - David

The Turtle moves in mysterious ways here … cosmic. - Philippa

Disc Con 2008 is a truly unique experience, I hope to have it much
repeated. - Lynsey Dalladay

I am lucky I didn't make it to the Con where I would have to been forced
to wear a pink item! - Hauke Kruppa

10 points if you spot a barbarian drinking tea. - Steph

Great fun assassinating everyone and shortening the queues. - Angy

Where's the late nights and booze gone? - Tabby (aged 15)

Too much alcohol + not enough sleep = Lots of fun - Medium Jock

I met a Feegle last con – can't get rid of him. - Tinkerbell1980

Oh my God, I just quacked at Stephen Briggs - Nanny/Jenny D'Arcy

I'm sitting in a witch outfit at 10pm on a Saturday night and a cat just
walked past with a Yeti … - Granny/Irene D'Arcy

We came, we saw, we conventioned. - Sam + Susan Vimes

Lost our Discworld Convention Virginity, a most pleasurable experience -
Susan Vimes

Ooh, I wish I'd had a warning! - Carolyn Bintley

Gosh, the stars are falling upon us! - Rob Owen

Quack - Jaqui Blake

I'll stick with the US proofs. - Lee Whiteside

See you in two years. - Jogibear

Great to be here. I've disc-overed a "Klatch" of new friends. - Toothy

Veni, Vedi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I got stuck… - Carolyn (M.O.P.P.)

Fantastic, Fabulous Fun. - Louise

Morris dancing for ever. - Madam Les Deux Epees

Here we are again, happy as can be  - Billy Stirling

No, I'm not a local. Quack … quack … quack - Raina Stroman

I got the "Not as big as the other sword" sword - PHenry

Have Fun - Henry Rice

Death suits you. - Vexx (from the Assassins Guild)

I took my clothes off in front of Terry Pratchett! Woooooooooo! - Ptraci

I was never as bored doing nothing as during my stint as a dwarf in Live
Thud. - Winterbay, Witches Deputy

My balloon fight with Marco (Deputy of the Alchemists Guild) was fun. I
think I won. - Sabremeister

[1] Some of the comments could be construed to relate to events
organised by other guilds or, even, by the committee. This is of course
no accident, as there was bound to be a member of the Guild of
Conjurors, Thespians and Assorted Trades on hand to lend the support of
our guild, be it material or moral.

Guilty of Literature

This was a well-attended panel discussion under the title of the collection of essays originally published by the Science Fiction Foundation.

US Academic Stacie Hanes stated that criticism should not be negative but illuminate reality. She spoke about how Victorian attitudes to women are reflected in the witches' attitudes to decency, especially underwear. Seamstresses were also common, as shown in census records. Laundrywork often involved unpicking garments and sewing them up again when washed.

Next came Carolin Esser of the University of Winchester, a medievalist who has studied "The Devil from the Bible to Terry Pratchett". After a discussion of concepts of evil, concentrating of 'Eric' and 'Good Omens', Jacqueline Simpson took over to discuss literary merit.

She pointed out that Terry's multiple narrative style goes back to the medieval interlace technique, and was also employed by Dickens and TV soap operas of today. Terry is especially good at the rhetoric of anticlimax, or bathos and writes in lyrical style to celebrate the beauty of the Chalk Downs.

Colin Smythe wound up the discussion by saying that academics have come to Terry late and are trying too hard if their criticism doesn't communicate the fun of reading his books.

Jesca Yates

Wizard's Lead From The Start (Of Day)

Following a workout approved by Archchancellor Ridcully himself, Unseen University invited members from the city's guilds to come and learn a refined method of facing a new day.

Valiantly beginning in the corridor whilst waiting for a Monk of Cool to be fashionably late with the keys for a room, the skilled representatives of wizardry generously assisted those from the lesser guilds who had managed the 7.30am start on what is widely considered an acceptable lie-in day.

Baring the occasional joint pop and crunch, this proved to be beneficial to the health and alertness of most in attendance; only a minority of participants fell asleep against the walls during the proceedings.

Murmurs that the majority of the university's faculty remained in bed instead is a malicious rumour, unless expressed by someone who was present to witness the truth of it.

Text: Peter Rolph, Photo: Doctor

Living in Interesting Times

Looks can, as we all know, be deceptive. Seemingly harmless things can turn out to be quite lethal, while the big, armed man in armour can turn out to be Constable Haddock (definitely human).

Thus, I stopped dead in my track a few days ago when, turning into the men’s lord’s room outside the Dysk, I saw this:


Now, we all know and, well, not so much love as ignore these, which call out to the world that (often contrary to empirical data) the floor is, in fact, wet.

But, bearing in mind what we all know about the eyes[1] not seeing what’s actually there, I urge you to take another good look at this one.

I think you can see why this made me hesitate. “Hazardous” is an adjective I would usually apply to things like narrow paths on sheer mountainsides or maybe the Shades, and not a slightly moist floor that may or may not have been wet at some point.

However, after a close scrutiny of the flat thing with taps for handwashing, the floor, the roof and the ...objects mounted on the other wall what I am not going to name... I went in, only slightly jittery, and after a while, left. And, no matter what the hazard was, I’ve lived to tell this tale.


[1] Well, actually, it’s the mind doing the job. But, being the one making the meaning of things, the mind blames the eyes. That’s because it means. Sorry, it’s mean. I mean.

Elias